He’s Out of Your League

Why he’s really not that into you.

It’s truth time, girls. Later, I’ll get into the specifics on types of men, and what they really want but don’t always seem to be able to articulate.  For now, though, I’ll focus on a “beta male” concern, and that is social status.


East of the Atlantic, social status is determined by a few different factors that have their roots in older cultures and lifestyles. Income is one, and level of education is another, but more important than these are things like one’s family name, ethnicity, and connections. In some parts of eastern Europe for instance, it doesn’t matter how much money a Gypsy has, they are still marked as inferior or lower class, the same way a wealthy Black person would have been perceived in the U.S. pre-1965 or so.

In some parts of the middle east, a Jew, no matter how wealthy, would be regarded with hatred and suspicion by others. In fact, being wealthier and more civil may make them an even more attractive target for discrimination or violent attacks.

In the U.S. however, though there is a racial/ethnic component to status, for men it is generally determined by wealth, and for women by beauty, or what is most promoted as beauty by the mass media. A media-beautiful woman from a dirt poor family may find herself the wife of a wealthy man, so long as she doesn’t reduce her perceived value or have it reduced in other ways. Though the beauty of the lower economic classes is often exploited (as rich girls are seldom successfully recruited into prostitution or porn), it can buy one opportunities. By the same, a rich man’s money will buy him time with beautiful women, regardless of how hideous, unintelligent, and rude he may be.

One of the objectives of feminism was to shake up this seemingly unfair situation, and put women on equal footing with men. However, one thing that no social movement can do, partly for the reason that it is a social movement, is change what a human being is. Humans are mostly very tribal at best, and extremely herd like at worst. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Though there is much admiration for individualism these days, the truth is that the individualist lifestyle is very lonely. If you go against the grain, you will become an outsider, and you will not have the opportunities afforded to people who conform.

Martin Luther King, Che Guevarra, Malcolm X, and Itzhak Rabin were all great people, but they were murdered. You may not be killed for not being media pretty, but you will certainly be shut out of certain venues, and you will not be as sought after as someone who more closely conforms to the ideals of the herd.

So if your aim is to get ahold of a “nice guy” who wants to get married and have kids, and has a good job, etc. then you would do best to enhance your mass appeal. Conforming as close as you possibly can to the ideal standard of the dominant culture in your area will increase your chances of finding and securing a mate who will commit to you.

Not only that, but you must do what you can to maintain that level of closeness to the ideal throughout your relationship. For the incredibly
low standards of the U.S. this is fairly easy in that you just have to stay slim to be considered “hot”. Most people, barring severe defects are already fairly symmetrical.

Since it is impossible to stay under 25 years old and yet survive more than 25 years, it is also wise for every woman to have a backup plan.
Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a man for your financial future unless he is a very independent thinker. Men who are faithful to
their wives and happy in their marriages are very rare, and usually the sort who are able to resist everyday social pressures to be unfaithful.
For the most part, young women should be prepared before their marriages, for those marriages to end at about the time she “hits the wall” and is no longer physically able to conform to the media ideal standard as closely as she once did.

Understand that no matter what the guy himself looks like, or what his financial status, if he is among the majority of males, who is susceptible to the message that conformity to the narrow media standard is what gives a woman her value as a mate, he wants the media ideal. No use mincing words about it. Even if the guy is a -10, he wants a +10. Most will settle for what they can get, when they get tired of porn (which some never do) but if the average guy isn’t sure that you are his highest level option, then he will not be that into you.

Men in the U.S. herd want women that the other guys in the herd will praise him for, the same as men in other herds want women their mothers and ethnic peers will praise them for. That’s just how it is.

So when a guy tells you that he’s not ready for a serious relationship, what he really means is that he doesn’t think you’re worth having a serious relationship with. Don’t ask him why. The answer is obvious: you don’t seem like the best he thinks he can do. You may be the best he can do, especially if you have good traits other than your looks, but if he doesn’t see it that way then there’s no point to try to make him see it.

The better he looks and more money he makes, the more he will feel that he is entitled to as far as the looks of his partner. If you don’t measure up, and you know this in advance, and you don’t want to get stuck with the guys who are just settling for you, then you would do well to seek men who are not so “normal”. Again though, this life isn’t for everyone. I don’t recommend it unless you are very comfortable with saying NO a lot, and with being alone or keeping things light unless or until you encounter guys whose noses aren’t up Hollywood’s arse.

Either way, I respect you for your decision. I’m just putting the information out there because it’s hard to make a choice when you don’t know what the choices are.

Props to a guy by the handle of Thursday, who wrote the comment that inspired this article, on another blog that is unfortunately owned by a wannabe Alpha male PUA .

I’m still looking for an actual Alpha male blog, by the way.  An older type who never had to lie to get laid, and has female commenters who like him would be nice.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.


  1. Mamasan, i rarely leave comments but i must say that your article is spot on. It’s not always politically correct to speak with such candor and many can feel uncomfortable when reading the truth. I have many great guy friends with whom i talk as well as brothers that speak without the filter.
    You are absolutely right, when a guy is not that into you, it’s because he thinks that he can do much better. you simply do not fit the frame ( the frame means either beauty, sometimes status or prestige and other times education)
    Let’s start with the beauty Frame, my friend john just broke up with this really lovely girl and when i asked him why, he explained that she did not match his standard of beauty, he called her ” cute” but she does not compare to a victoria secret model or other standards that he is using. i was a bit shocked when he said that ( i don’t look like one either). the bluntness of his response really made me think about some of the reasons men break up or if they are too polite, they simply vanish hoping that you might not notice.
    the truth is that as you said the media standard of beauty is what they often use when rating their partners. especially if they have the goods ( read money , fame or power) they know they can attract a variety of girls. John has a lot of money and comes from a good new york family so when he meets a girl, within few minutes of conversation, he knows whether she fits the different aspects of his frame. And based on how closely she matches that, he either considers her serious dating material or good time only girl.
    At this point, there is nothing in the girls behavior that should make her feel responsible for the failure of the relationship and yet often times, girls feel that they did something wrong.
    Aside from beauty, there is definitely the social, prestige , education element that is often added to it. the more he perceives himself as high profile, the more he will feel that he can choose from a pool of girls that are perceived as more valuable wether it is because she has a degree from a prestigious university or a privileged family background or even a certain level of fame. All of those things are used in conjunction to determine how valuable someone is and wether or not she is worth it. the question always comes down to : is she really the best that i deserve?, it’s never about being ready. if tomorrow someone offered you a brand new bentley for 10,000 dollars. you would know that this is unheard of, this is the best deal you could ever get. you certainly wouldn’t waste time shopping around at other dealerships. you know based on the prestige of the car and the market value that if you do not seize the deal right then and there it will be gone in 60 second.
    well, many people use this valuing system wether they are able to articulate it consciously or not. if a man knows that you are are the absolute best he can ever have, any signs or doubt will be erased, he will be too busy trying to get you.
    now what i am going to say might sound harsh but if you want to be with a certain kind of men, (i.e the successful type) you must be honest with yourself and know that you either have to raise your standards and profile ( looks, education etc…) or there will be a gap and you will continue being with people who think that you simply don’t fit the frame. if you feel that you are dating out of your league, i recommend that you upgrade your league , whatever that means.

    Good luck,


  2. Hetero men are driven by nature to have as much sex as possible with as many different women as possible. Monogamy is a female construct to control men to keep them from spreading their oats.

  3. to Cal: I don’t know if I can agree that Monogamy is a female construct… in this country, couldn’t we say that it’s more of a Christian ideal (read: male created)? After all, doesn’t traditional marriage require the woman to stay and home and be the one to raise her husband’s children…?

    From a biological standpoint, monogamy becomes beneficial when suitable mates are hard to come by, and offspring are particularly difficult to care for. For humans, the second point is especially applicable – as children take an enormous amount of time and money to raise until the legal age of 18. So monogamy, while not for EVERYONE, is certainly suited to those who wish to raise a family. (And again, not every man or woman is prepared for the work/sacrifice of family life. I wish more people would realize this…)

    I’m really amazed by this article, by the way. As another person said, it really is spot-on, and not sugar-coated. Every woman should read and recognize the points made here…

  4. And just to add one more thing, Cal:

    You are correct; men ARE biologically driven to “spread their oats,” so to speak. 😉 But in the real world, very few males actually GET to do that, because the females are choosy. It’s all about “male competition” and “female choice,” in the end.

  5. Pingback: Game for Girls » What do men really want?

  6. I find that when you say “conforming”, what you mean is rejecting certain aspects of your personality or looks. Now I am an attractive woman. I have always been an attractive woman. But when I began to reject those aspects of myself that wished to conform and started to stay true to myself and the “weirder” aspects of my personality, men began to flock to me. I don’t think it is correct to say that in order to get a “normal” man, you have to conform to “normal” society. At all. I think beauty is theonly thing to do with it, unless you are a complete bitch inside and I’m not. If you are, then maybe you should try to conform to be nicer, but never try to be exactly like society.

    Here is a better article of what men want in a woman: http://www.aspirenow.com/smooth_10_00_what_men_wa

    Instead of this “conformist” garbage. Try to understand men in order to write about them first.

  7. Cat, all of the advice on this site has been filtered through men for accuracy. I don\’t just pull this stuff out of my wishful thinking.

    Men may flock to you for sex, but if you want to know what you\’re really worth to normal people, look at how many of them, if any, are offering you a commitment.

    I don\’t personally like normal guys, so that\’s not what I\’m shooting for. However, I don\’t write this site just for abnormal people like me. I have no illusions about normal people mainly because until I learned to look like a \”shepherd\”, I was the target of many sheeple\’s rage.

    So don\’t hate a player…

  8. To Cal and Cat:

    You say men are motivated on having sex with as many girls as they possible can? I know more girls than guys that are focused on having sex with people. This is 2011, get your facts straight.

    When guys are looking for relationships they are not focused solely on sex. There are tons of other factors that are involved when a guy is looking for a women, and women need to understand this.

    Another article that would be helpful is


    This is written by a man; me! haha

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