Too Good for Your Own Good

bootsWhat guys say they want isn’t always what they really want or what they need.  I know none of you are surprised to read this.  What might confuse you though, is when you KNOW you did a man right, and even brought him munchies and a beer after, and cooked breakfast in the morning, but a week or more passes and he still hasn’t called you back.

The “rules” of dating are different now than they used to be.  Most of us who are sane and fully sexual don’t feel the need to starve a man of sex, or starve ourselves for that matter.  We’ve figured out that depriving a man doesn’t really allow you to get to know him.  Unless one is a virgin, chastity is a function of loyalty, not a good tool for sorting.  Delaying sex is a privilege of virgins and sometimes near-virgins.  Traditional women get to wield traditional sexual power.  Once you’ve gone non traditional, you have to think of sex non traditionally.

For “weathered” women, you really don’t know what you’ve got until after the sex.  That’s when he’ll either get his ego sticker and go, or start playing whatever games he was hiding from you before.  If you’re lucky, he’ll want to continue the relationship in a healthy way, and having the first sex over with will free both of you to take the next step of exploring each others’ sexuality as you explore the rest of the personality as well.

However, if you’re a woman with the kind of pelvic floor muscles that can lift a full bottle of vodka off the floor, and can suck like you’ve got hydraulic jaws, you may have a problem, even if the men you select are very nice.  You might be too good for your own good.

I know what you’re thinking.  “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.”  That is a positive way of thinking, but one must remember that for most men, sex is like pizza.  Even when it’s not that great, it’s okay, and even when it’s excellent, it’s still just pizza.

Men compartmentalize sex and love, and even different kinds of and situations in which they have sex.  For men, the important difference between women comes down to looks (not necessarily in the conventional sense) first, and social suitability second.  So by the time you get to bed, all the hard work has been done.  He has already decided what you will be to him.  The only thing that will change that is new data.

So your first sexual priority when taking on a new partner (aside of safer sex using a condom of course) is to make sure you get yours.

You know what turns you on, and what to do even if he doesn’t.  If it looks like he’s not going in the right directions, then take matters into your own hands, literally.  Do what you need to do, and then let him do what he needs to do.  That way you can’t say that you didn’t get something out of it.  You sacrificed nothing.  You don’t need a next time in order to have a happy memory.

If he does what you need him to do, then all the better.  Just don’t
get confused by the rush of oxytocin (the hormone that causes bonding) to your brain afterwards.
  On the first time you might even want to get out of bed in a hurry, go to the bathroom, take a shower, or pet
your dog or cats, just in case.  That way you can keep your head straight in case he’s a loser (someone who’s going to play games) or just a bitch (someone who only has sex to offer).

The point is to enjoy yourself and have a good time, but don’t be so concerned about his pleasure that you forget your own.  Some of us are a bit egoist when it comes to sex, and we like to make a guy make a lot of pathetic noises.  It’s part of our pleasure to please the man.  However, one must remember that sex isn’t happening in a social vacuum.  There are some problems with being too good.

You can get labelled as a whore.

Even though many things have changed, many things stay the same.  A
woman who is too good at sex may be perceived as oversexed. 
Because you’re attractive and exciting, you may be pursued with a vengeance, but then when it’s over, if you’ve been classed as a whore, you’re just another conquest.  He’ll think about you while he’s masturbating or if the next woman isn’t so good at it, but he won’t come back to you with the
respect you deserve.  He’ll call maybe once a week or once a month because he no longer wants to get to know you as a person.  You are just a fancy hole.

You can get labelled as a wife.

If he doesn’t think of you as a whore, then he might think of you as a potential wife.  Not only are you attractive and witty, but you make him scream 100 names of Durga, and he could really fall for you.  Many
men aren’t ready
for this, or they are permanently broken by suffocating
moms, and mistake love for being consumed.  If you are too good, he might push you away for the same reason most people don’t do hard drugs.

You can get taken for granted.

Men often don’t have as much sexual experience as they pretend to.  If he’s nearly a virgin, or most of his previous experiences have been with prostitutes or pub predators, then he may think that great sex is just what happens when they’re with a woman who really cares for them.

They might be the type of guy who is always trying to “trade up”, and figure that if it ends with you, they can just go right out and find another one just like you, but maybe prettier or otherwise more socially convenient.  Heh.

You can be mistaken for being in love.

This one is closely related to being taken for granted, but has a darker tinge to it.  If he thinks you’re in love, then he often thinks he can keep you no matter what he does.  Even if he’s right, the sane sexual woman isn’t going to take crap from him.  He’ll think you will though.

Your sexual confidence is like any other aspect of your ego.
With too much use and abuse, it will suffer.
  So don’t allow situations in which you would feel used. Different women have different ideas or views on this, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be “democratic” about your body, or override your intuition in one case because of what you’ve done in others or with other people.

Remember that you don’t owe anyone your vagina as a sacrifice.  So don’t sacrifice, and there’s no need to feel used.

Save the scented candles, massages, and poetry for someone who you already know appreciates your time and your pleasure.

On the positive side, a man who cares something for you doesn’t need you to perform like a circus animal to care about you.  You don’t
need to jump through any hoops on the initial sexual encounters.  If you begin to gradually use more of your skills once a real relationship has been established, he’s not going to complain.  He’ll be nicely surprised.

In other words, even if you’re that good, sometimes it is best to save something for the next time.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.

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