Taking personal responsibility for your half of a bad relationship.
The simple answer is because your heart was open to be broken.
If you didn’t care about him then you wouldn’t care that he doesn’t love you or has a kind of twisted affection and just wants you there as an emotional punching bag.
The first thing you should do is go to BreakupSurvivor.com and take the survey and follow the instructions. While you are still away from him, you need to know why you should stay away from him.
While you’re at it, stop by Relationships at Blog-city. Dave there has an extensive collection of articles and information on relationships, but the parts you should focus on are the discussions on what a jerk is, and why some women seem to be inexplicably drawn to them.
Did he hurt you, or did you hurt yourself?
Now, you must realize that while the pain is still fresh, we (women) usually think that whoever it was or why he hurt us, he must be a jerk for doing so. I mean, how dare a man we love, not love us back?
This is a very bad way of thinking. Unless he lied to you and manipulated you into getting involved with him in the first place, he is not a jerk. He’s just a guy who was trying to get laid or a little female affection.
Ask yourself if there were things he tried to tell you that you weren’t listening to, or that you didn’t take seriously enough to prepare for them.
- Did he tell you that he didn’t want a serious relationship or commitment with you? If so, why did you allow yourself to become serious about him?
- Is he married? In some cultures, marriage is done mainly for the purpose of having children, or often solely for immigration purposes, but a man who is known to be married for whatever reason, and does not openly practice a form of polygamy, wants to be emotionally unavailable to women other than his wife. No matter what he tells you, if you are not publicly known (including by his legal wife) as his woman or one of his women, you are only a shag to him, and you should understand this.
- Does he treat you like one of the guys? If so, then even if you’ve been doing it for years, you’re having what’s called “guy sex”.
You are like a pal who’s doing him a favor…not really a lover.
- Does he only call you once a week or so, and claim to be too busy to call you at other times? He’s full of it. There is no such thing as too busy to call someone who one loves daily…even if it’s just to say hi and that they’re tired, but they miss you.
- Were there other clues that perhaps he either wasn’t all that interested in you, or perhaps just couldn’t match your level of intensity?
It’s a hard pill to swallow that you might have been responsible for your own pain. Often guys just take what they are given, especially when it’s something that feels good, and women create their own drama by viewing it as more than that.
It’s okay to want more, but you should seek that from someone who can give it. If they can’t or won’t, then drop them and look for someone who will. It doesn’t even take a true dropping most of the time. Let them go and they fade out on their own…and at least perhaps you’ll still have a friendship left when it’s over.
How we draw the wrong men to ourselves:
Now let’s handle the issue of how you got into such a mess in the first place.
The law of attraction is a sort of a social rule that we draw people to ourselves based on what we are advertising for. There is a positive and a negative side to it, but it is usually consistent.
The law of attraction is one of the most important reasons to be yourself. Behave according to your ethics, honor, preferences and needs, and not someone else’s.
The positive side of the law of attraction is that you will draw the kinds of people towards you who will be supportive of you. If you are acting as yourself, then they will be people who like you as you are, and who will support you. If you are acting as someone else however, you will attract the kinds of people who are supportive of that other person you are pretending to be.
The negative side of the law of attraction is that you will also draw the kinds of people towards you who want to exploit what you possess. Behaving according to your true nature, the exploitive will attempt to take or crush what you have. If you act as someone else, they will try to take what you’re pretending to have.
The latter is why most people, for protection, project an image of someone
who they really aren’t. If someone is trying to exploit what they think you have and really don’t, then your actual self is protected in some way right? Wrong.
Think of your soul and mind as somehow being a puppeteer, and your body
a puppet. If the role your puppet is playing is true to your actual character, it will be easier to perform. If you’ve ever done role play with dolls you know that you can almost become one with the doll.
You can even mimic your own body language with the doll without even trying much.
However, when you are playing a role that is far from your character, you are constantly separate from your puppet or doll, and have to work harder to maintain an illusion of reality. You also draw people to yourself who are more attracted to the puppet than to you, and who become disappointed and sometimes hostile when they find out that you aren’t your doll.
Some very good people who are far from jerks will get hostile when they find out they’ve been manipulated. You don’t have to tell them an actual lie…just present yourself as someone you are not, and let them believe it.
What does this mean in real world terms?
Let’s say you dress provocatively when you go to the club. Do you do this because it is really hot in the building, or do you do it to advertise yourself as ready for sex? If it is the latter, are you really indeed trying to pick someone up to have sex with?
If the truth is that you are really looking for someone to love, but you just want people to know that you are a sexual person, why not wear an outfit that says, “Look at me! I’m sexy!” instead of, “I want to have sex right now!”
There is a difference.
The sexy skirt may be just as short, but it’s going to stay in its place while dancing. It’s going to actually be in your size, and made of a weather appropriate material. Under that skirt, you’re going to have a proper set of underwear to cover the basics. There are even some thongs that will do this. Your top may well be a halter, but it’s going to be a halter that fits and is cut or wrapped well for your bust size. Chestier women may consult me personally for ideas, because I’m good at wrappers.
“Slut” gear is clothing and shoes that render you practically good for little other than sex. The shoes make you look physically vulnerable and incapable of running, and the clothes don’t fit the weather or the venue. Mind you, no matter how you’re dressed, no one is justified to make nonconsensual moves on you. It is however your responsibility to send the general signals to what you will and won’t consent to be treated as in a consensual situation.
People *should* be able to walk around nude without being automatically
sexualized, but clothing is a costume. Dress for the part you want to play.
Here are other scenarios that often get women into trouble:
You present yourself as Ms. Virginal, and he finds out you have a sexual rap sheet longer than your arm.
You present yourself as Ms. Independent, but then start asking him for money and favors.
You present yourself as Ms. Hot-for-him, but put off having sex for longer than natural, and without a clear reason. Sexual manipulation pisses every man off, no matter how nice.
You say you want a real man, but then start mothering him rather than just pampering him in the relationship.
You say you picked him because he’s macho/dominant, but then do and say things that are emotionally castrating him.
Be who you are, know what you want, and say what you want, and you don’t have so many of these problems.
The problem you may have is when someone molds their presentation to get you into bed, and turns out not to be who they say they are.
When you find out that someone isn’t who they presented themselves to be in a crucial way, drop them then and there. Do not wait to get hurt by them again. If you do, then the second time is your fault as much as theirs.
…and when you turn out to be other than who you said you are in a crucial way, don’t cry when you get dropped. You played the game, and you lost. Pick up your doll and go home. You’d do well to toss the fake self out on the way.
For the legitimately fooled…
Sometimes there was nothing you could do to see it coming. You used your best filters, and tested without plaguing, but he/she still got through your defenses.
It’s just one of the risks involved with loving people. Butch up, and do what you need to do to heal yourself. Healing will not come from them, and even though it’s good to understand why people do evil things in general, it’s not good to dwell on the evil of this one person. You should not take it too personally that some people are stupid. You’re not stupid, and that’s what counts.
The one who hurt you, did so because they are in pain, and wanted someone
to take it out on. They weren’t strong, and wanted to feed off of your strength. You must now renew your own power through things that give you joy and strength, and leave them behind.
Fortunately, people who are really bad like that are somewhat rare. So long as you learn from it, and stay strong, you’ll probably not attract people like that, or may recognize their evil the next time before you get too emotionally entrenched.
Love without fear. Love overrides fear anyway. When it doesn’t go your way, then your love for yourself will carry you through. When you love yourself as you are, you’ll ultimately attract people who love you as you are…platonic friends and lovers too.