Unspoken Rule: Things Better Left Unsaid

This is one that strong women with experience break often.  When a man fails you in some way, he already knows it.  You don’t need to remind him or nag him about it.  If he cares about you at all, he knows and is already ashamed of himself.  Having a verbal confrontation about it is not necessary.

You don’t have to pretend like you weren’t hurt.  Just don’t talk about it.  Actions speak louder than words.

Talking about it puts him in an automatically defensive mode.  He won’t be able to help himself.  There’s nothing rational about whatever will come out of his mouth at that point.  He just wants you off his case so that he can either move on with his life or bear his shame and pay the consequences.

If whatever he has done is a dealbreaker, and he has no good excuse, he already knows that you’re gone or that you should be.  Talk about your feelings with your female friends, because he obviously doesn’t care about them.  If he did care about them, he wouldn’t have done what he did.  You’re just providing unnecessary drama and annoyance.

If it wasn’t a dealbreaker, simply don’t trust him with whatever it was that he failed at.  Don’t mention it unless he asks why you don’t trust him with that anymore.

The reason to avoid verbal confrontation in this case is that, as I’ve said, the man is the one who directs the relationship.  If you gave him a responsibility that he is not ready to accept, there is really not much you can say that will do any good.  He may not be conscious at the time of the failure that he wasn’t ready, and if you take the direction duty away from him, you can look forward to dragging him through a relationship he may not want to be in, or at least into phases that he is not ready for.

For example, if you are used to short notice meetings, and agree to meet one day, and he stands you up or doesn’t call to tell you not to wait for him, that’s the end.  There is no need to tell him how disappointed you were.  He knows.  This doesn’t mean he did it on purpose.  He may have been unconsciously trying to get rid of you.  Maybe it was a “shit test” that some guys do to see how much of a pushover you are.

Rather than talking to him about it, simply do not accept any more short notice meetings.  If he doesn’t make a date a day or two in advance, and pick you up at your residence, he doesn’t see you.  He will understand why you no longer go out to meet him anywhere or jump when he calls.  If he cares for you, he will value your time, and honor the more formal dating schedule.  If not, then since you hopefully haven’t had sex with him at the time when this kind of thing would be a worry at all, then nothing is injured but your pride.  Move on.

This is how to preserve your dignity as a woman when the man fails.  You refuse to be the man in the relationship, resist the urge to burn bridges, and offer him the opportunity regain your trust and respect.  You also don’t drag along a guy you don’t trust or respect, out of desperation.

Behaving desperately and making drama reduces your value to a man.  It can make a man who cares about you pull away, and one who doesn’t care about you, view you as more worthless than he already deemed you were from the beginning.

So don’t be so quick to unload on a guy.  He doesn’t want to hear it.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.

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