Why the Rules are Unspoken

The reason many of the most important “rules” in dating are unspoken is that men don’t often talk about their feelings.  Even when they do, they’re often so out of touch with their feelings that they don’t know how to articulate them well.  The vast majority are living behind a veil of masculine pretense, a.k.a. men’s emotional straitjacket.  Far too many men are so disjointed that they’re basically living someone else’s life.

It’s like there’s a “left brained” person and a “right brained” person living inside their heads, who are neighbors but not on speaking terms.  That there is such a cold war going on inside is the reason that despite claiming to be nice guys, so many just wear a cloak of civility so tightly that they think it is a part of them.  It is also the reason that despite most claiming to want a loyal faithful woman, they give the priority of attention and affection to disloyal women who are likely to be unfaithful.

In fact, physical features and behavior that signal disloyalty are considered attractive by most western men today.  Features and behavior that signal loyalty, honesty, and trustworthiness are interpreted as more masculine than callous cruelty, and are now unattractive and repellant.

How did things get this bad?  Well, as women we only have ourselves to blame.  We are the ones who mistook equality for sameness, and raised our sons to be irresponsible spoiled little girly men who all think they are entitled to the same things for merely existing.  We took the femininity out of representations of feminine beauty because we didn’t want them finding anything sexy about dependency.  We shamed them for finding teenage girls attractive, and scared them into thinking that they would become pedophiles en masse for doing so.  We didn’t trust that if we raised them to be responsible men, they’d naturally choose age/life phase appropriate relationships.

We put their emotions at war with their logic because we don’t see the day that a young man can plausibly kick his mom’s butt, as the same as the day a young woman begins to menstruate.  By that age, even though they aren’t legally adults, they should be prepared for adult level responsibilities.  This is crucially important as their brains enter the final stages of complete development.  Quite often, the catch-up later on is too little too late.

Add that to many boys being basically raised by the television, and there you have your scorpion tailed locust babe of Revelations.  Everyone suffers and feels the sting once those are let loose.

Now, we have hordes of men who are basically sexually screwed up, and think that decent women are ugly and repellant.  Their left brain, which still has the natural template for long term suitability engraved in a tiny corner somewhere, is making their mouths say, “I don’t like whores or sluts,” but their shrill right brain is directing them straight towards the girls in the butt crack jeans and tube tops, and not just for sex.  I’ve seen with my own eyes, guys actually telling themselves that such women look like nice girls.

To date, I’ve only seen this turn out to be true in one case, and she seemed to at least be wearing the jeans and tube top properly.  She took the time to talk to a local mentally ill man we both knew and cheered up occasionally, on her way to the cafe I was sitting in.  Strangely, her apparent kindness triggered criticism of her looks by some of the guys sitting with my friends and I.  Her companion with the disgusted sneer remained hot in their view.

Many males seem addicted to rejection even though they claim not to enjoy it.  They complain about how hard it is for a “nice guy” to get any attention.  The attention they get, they complain is from women who are somehow below their standards in looks.  Usually what makes these women substandard in their view is some pop culture measure like weight well below mobility or hygeine or even athletic concerns, or ethnicity.  As a side note, one thing I’ve found very telling is that most guys I’ve met who have said such things will end up with an exploitive woman who is physically ugly in the same way as women they’ve rejected.

So what does a woman who isn’t looking for a victim do to find a man who truly isn’t looking to be a victim?  What does one do if they’re already involved with a guy who is pulling away because he wants to be a victim even though he says he doesn’t?

All of us who’ve been out there in the dating scene, have one time or another, had this gutt feeling we couldn’t put our finger on, that maybe the guy needs us to be more of a bitch.  Some of us have given in to that, only to find that once we do it, we have to keep that up in order to keep the guy interested.

I have no correct answer for this.  Some people are broken.  Some guys will never break down their internal Berlin wall that allows their logic and emotions to cooperate.  It happens whether they like it or not, usually in their 40’s.  Some realize that they’ve wasted their lives and start trying to have a life.  Some never grow up but at least become more tolerant and tolerable.

My personal solution is to stick with guys who don’t have this problem.  This means that I seldom date anyone under 45 or more than one generation from a country/culture where men are supposed to grow up on time.

I also made a personal vow to myself long ago that I would never have a child outside of marriage or “common law” type marriage.  My kids will all have a dad who grew up on time.  I’m not a feminist but I do have a lot of care for my gender.  I do not wish to inflict on any woman (or Gay man if it turns out that way), an irresponsible child who is looking to be a victim of the crop of anti femininity (read anti female) pseudo feminists who are equally spoiled and irresponsible.

Men’s rules are unspoken because they haven’t been allowed to speak on them for going on thirty years now.  Their masculinity has become cosmetic…something to wow the onlooker and draw attention, rather than an indicator of strength and dependability.  This is why thuggishness is so popular.  It is cosmetic masculinity…the display of competitiveness taken to extremes, and as far away from the protective arm of dad fending off rivals and bandits, as lipgloss is from the blush of aroused lips.

The rules are unspoken because they have been silenced.  They have been silenced so effectively that men state them, but do not themselves adhere to or enforce them with their option to give or remove attention.

To be fair, this isn’t the case with all men.  Some men’s logic and emotions are very well integrated.  The thing you ladies out there must remember though, is that you will not attract an integrated man unless you are an integrated woman.

You do your job, so he can do his.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.

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