The Importance of Looks

HeartsAs yet another rich, powerful man gets outed as having an affair with a homely woman, it’s brought out more debates about why and how it happened.   So I’m throwing my opinion in the ring for consideration.

Looks mean a lot to men.  It’s not that they’re shallow.  It’s that they’re more empirical thinkers who Nature blessed with an uncanny ability to read a lot of information at a glance.   Though there are certain fairly universal beauty markers, I think some of the more hardcore evo-psych believers forget that though the eyes can recognize beauty, the culture and individual opportunities and preferences determine how it will be interpreted.  Very little bypasses social filters.

The first social contact humans have is with their family.  Words you’ll never hear a guy say are, “My mom was a very sweet, loving attentive woman who was always there for me, but DAMN she was ugly!”  Almost every man who had a good mom thinks his mom is beautiful, even if she’s not that physically beautiful.  Most guys’ moms have some physical defects, yet in their son’s eyes none of that matters.  Even some moms who were pretty bad’s sons think they are beautiful because they’re mom.

Basically, the fact that he loves her is what makes a woman beautiful to a man, despite her flaws…to a point.  If a flaw says something about her that he doesn’t like, it will probably keep him from getting close to her.  I’m not saying that looks don’t matter at all.  What I’m saying is that they matter a lot, and there is more to a woman’s looks than how beautiful she is.

If his mom wore an eyepatch and had tattoos, and she was a good mom, he as an individual will not associate eyepatches and tattoos as something that would render a woman a bad mother or unloving partner.

Now, here’s the tricky part.  If he lives in a society that frowns on eyepatches and/or tattoos, he will feel social pressure to marry a woman who doesn’t have any.  Bonus, he may learn through bitter experience that since only the lowest status or least socially invested women in such a society would wear an eyepatch or tattoos, they are a bad bet for marriage if he wants to increase his status.  So he will probably only marry or legitimize relationships with normal women.

If however, he achieves high status, and can have any women he wants, despite who he’s married to, he may still be attracted to and seek out women with eyepatches and tattoos.  Lower status men with fewer options will be shocked by this, but this is because they don’t have the options he has.

Currently, there’s a lot of buzz about how homely Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mistress is, but have a look at this linkShe looks similar to his mom.  Mystery solved.  It was the sturdy build, good teeth, big, ready smile and warm expression in her eyes.

It didn’t have to be her looks though.  It could have been behavioral.  Men with any sense, like nurturing women.  The older and more experienced they get, the less impressed by conventional beauty they are.  When you have unlimited options and face your mortality, you realize life is too short to let other people guide your genitals.  In fact, you realize that over 50 or so, you’re fortunate to be able to have functioning genitals.

Generally, it’s youth and beauty that does it for men.  I’m not arguing with that.  For a substantial proportion of outside the box thinkers though, the kinds of guys who do manage to get rich and/or famous, their tastes are as unconventional as the rest of their psychology.

Now, ladies, some of you out there have given up or let your appearance slip because you know you’re not everybody’s cup of tea, and don’t see a point in trying too hard.  I’m telling you today that you need to get on the ball and take care of yourself no matter what you look like, and no matter that you’ll never be a “10” or even a “7” for some of us.

Your natural beauty is worth preserving.  If there is a man out there who is strong enough to not let the television tell him who to shag, he is going to need you to care enough about yourself.  Also, the guys whose moms you look like or behave like need you to not get discouraged by the promotion of the current androgynous amazon ideal, and also not try to make yourselves look like that.

When I’m talking about non conventional beauty, I’m not using it as a euphemism for grossly defective.  What I mean is different, or wearing one’s defects well without exacerbating the problem.

If you are fat, you should be bubbly and bouncy.  If you’re wrinkled, you should be regal.  If you’re short, you should have a manner that makes you stand out.  If you’re tall, you should be towering.

Society may determine that you are not as worthy as their icons of the “ideal”.  Most men might consider you less attractive than average…but some man out there thinks you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen IF you take care of what you have.

Now, on the real, some things may need improvement.  If you’re really fat, and it’s affecting your life, you will want to work on that properly and get on a natural diet.  This you can live with and not feel deprived or wreck your metabolism.  In the time between your going natty and actually being not really fat though, you need to take care of your hair and your nails, and work on your personality.  You don’t get to be different in western society without taking some emotional scars.  These need to be dealt with before you can truly be a big beautiful woman.

…and all you girls under 35 who don’t know how to wash your ass nowadays, excuse my language, but you need to handle that shit.  Toilet paper is not enough.  Wash your damned neck because way too many of you look like your head is being supported by an elephant’s leg.  Shave your underarms and at least trim the cooch.  Hair holds odors.  Also, even if you’re skinny, you need to stop eating synthetic food.  It’s making you shaped like neutered males, not women, and it also makes you smelly.  Many men are going paleo, and after about six months, they become very conscious of the odor of people who eat too much synthetic food.

Even to men who appreciate the looks of women who aren’t Barbie, nasty is just nasty.  Wash yo ass!

When you do, you’ll be surprised how many hot guys want to shag you repeatedly, even if they aren’t suited for you relationship wise due to weakness.  It really helps to keep your spirits up and save it for the more courageous guys who don’t care what others have to say about their taste in women, when you understand that you are attractive enough.  Very few women are so legitimately ugly that no guy would want them, and *all* of those are ugly due to neglect.  In everyone else, there is at least enough beauty to catch a guy’s eye even if he doesn’t do anything good about it.

So don’t neglect yourself…but as I’ve said before, if you do manage to get the attention of a high status man, unless he’s talking commitment and you get to meet his peers and parents, keep it platonic.  You don’t want to be the mistress all over the news…not unless it’s going to be that you’re the beloved mistress, the wife knows about you, and they just stayed married for the kids or something.

When it comes right down to it, Arnold was attracted to this woman, but didn’t think she was good enough to legitimize the relationship.  He chose his rich high status wife over the sturdy maid with whom he had a strong, beautiful son.  His marriage to a woman whose photo should be next to the word “smug” in the dictionary, was what he regrets destroying, and he calls his affair with the maid “the stupidest thing”.  Let your mind work on that a bit.

So never underestimate the power of a man’s desire, but also never underestimate the power of the system.  Remember that feminism is made for rich European women, not the rest of us.  If you’re on the lower end of the social/socioeconomic totem pole, you need to only be dating guys who either view you as the best they are going to get, or who are not playing social games with their testicles.  A higher status guy will throw you under a bus to get next to or keep a high status woman.

Men today in modern, more feminist societies are generally much weaker than in the past.  Social or socioeconomic status doesn’t matter between the waist and the knees, but everything else is moved by how they were raised, and what is going on around them.  Most were raised with a very feminine way of dealing with sexual desire, and though nothing has changed sexually, a lot has changed socially and economically.

So if you find yourself being seduced by a higher status man, take a lesson from the Schwarzenegger affair.  Travel light, and don’t get pregnant, but if you do accidentally, don’t protect him because he’s not interested in protecting you.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.


  1. I agree with a lot of what you said, but I don’t think it was necessarily Arnold choosing status over affection. I think he intellectually loved his wife and his family, but was still missing the nurturing. I don’t think that he was ever a good enough actor to fake the genuine affection and admiration he has for Maria. I would contrast him to Jesse James or Guy Ritchie, who were guys that just wanted to be alpha dogs.

  2. If you’re short, you should have a manner that makes you stand out.

    Elaboration, please?
    The elephants leg thing cracked me up, though I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. I assume dirt, or similar, but hee.

  3. I looove the way you write and you make a whole lot of sense too. Lately I realised I’ve been way too hard on myself about my weight and it was making me neglect the rest of my honestly beautiful self. Now, even with my 5 feet 9 height, I wear previously- neglected but much-loved 5 inch heels(I thought they made me look gigantic). Looking better made me want to work out and not the other way round. I have to fight off the men now. Like kimora says, whatever defect you think you have, play it up. It makes you stand out!

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