Don’t Try Femdom Mindlessly Unless You Want To Lose Your Wife

Black leather and handcuffsThis one is for the guys.  I understand that some of my male readers are into female domination.  There is nothing wrong with that, but understand that around these parts, we deal in the *is* not the *should* (according to the mainstream or the pseudofreakstream) of sexuality.

I am not quite sure whether or not nobody else in the world of the open minded is willing to say this because it is against the feminist agenda, or because it is so obvious to the truly kinky that we take it for granted that others should know this.  Apparently though, it needs to be said.  There are too many guys out there who think we women are all drooling for girly guys we can step on while every other aspect of the relationships remains “normal”.  Life don’t work that way.

Though there is nothing morally wrong with pegging (a woman penetrating a man with a dildo or other phallic object), fisting, or F/m bondage and the like, the who matters just as much as the what.  There are some things that once seen, cannot be unseen, and once done, cannot be undone.  Even just allowing, much less pressuring or “encouraging” (read pressuring), a woman to dominate you will shift the balance of authority in your relationship.  Unless you want this to happen, don’t open doors that can’t be closed with someone you want to remain committed to you.

Guys need to seriously think before asking a woman they intend to be close to, to dominate them.  If you make your wife or girlfriend dominate you, then regardless of what is ideal, she will no longer view you as a man.

A straight or bi leaning straight woman not viewing you as the man means that you will lose authority over the aspects of her sexuality that require a man to regulate.  She will cheat on you or at least think of cheating on you with men who are manly and at least temporarily want to dominate her instead of her dominating them.

Women are hypergamous.  If a man is going to stay a man, in our perception, then he has to be more dominant than us.  This doesn’t mean there is no room whatsoever, for play of any kind.  What it means is that it should only go so far, and be so often.  That varies from woman to woman, but certainly if she is on top/topping more than maybe 30% of the time, you are going to lose her or share her with a man who never needs to be the girl, sub, bottom whatever, at least not with her.  In fact, a huge risk in allowing or getting your wife or girlfriend involved with BDSM and other flavors of kink is the scene, and the fact that there are many Dominant men in it.

Women are social creatures, and on the internet, they are free to explore whatever they like, and ask questions of whomever they like under a comfortable cloak of anonymity.  It should worry you that once you kick open the kink door, she will seek people to help her cope with this, and some of those people are going to be Doms and female submissives who are very happy with their Doms.  Female subs are the best recruiters of new harem members, and so your glee at having a live-in prostate stimulator or bondage supervisor can die when you find out that Master Mandingo or Lord Nordyfjord has been ramming every orifice of her body because you practically gave her to him.

Now, being realistic, I understand men are all kinds of freak.  You have your kinks, quirks, whatever, and that’s cool.  So here’s what you do if you have an alternative itch that needs scratching…

Outsource or compensate HEAVILY.

By “outsource”, I mean find another play partner your life isn’t tied to.  Many people in the BDSM/kink scenes do play that doesn’t involve exchange of body fluids.  You could even find someone in a similar situation to yourself, who has a relationship they don’t want to blur the lines of.

There are also professionals who will do whatever you like if you pay them enough.  If it is really important to you to do these things, there are specialists who are not hookers with whips.

Do not make your wife or girlfriend do it unless she explicitly offered to.  If she doesn’t bring that into your relationship, or specifically states that this is not where she wants things to go, then let that go.  Don’t go there with her.  You will regret it.  Even if she does offer to go there, think about whether or not she is offering because she is trying to be interesting, or if this is something she really wants.

If she really does want this, think about why a woman would want to do sexual activities that distance you from her genitals.   Some women will use kinky activities that preclude vaginal penetration in order to avoid having sex with their husband/boyfriend.  There could be good or not so good reasons she is happy to avoid penetrative sex with you.  Often, when women are cheating, they will avoid having sex with their husband during ovulation because they would prefer to become pregnant by their lover.  Sometimes that will be floating in their subconscious even if they aren’t actually cheating.  Avoidance of sex with you when she is most fertile (and most horny) means that it may at least be on her mind.

So if it’s really okay with her, then if you do go there, then be prepared to either shag her silly afterwards, on the same day or as soon as possible.  Don’t let her spend too much time being sexually frustrated, and don’t let her come to think of the non intercourse kink as a replacement for sex.  She should be very aware that she is not “off the hook” just because you had a cuff-and-tug.

If she’s not cool with dominating you, but you love her, and she loves you, and the basic sex is good and she is moving enough, then that is enough.  If she freely gives you oral more than once a month, you are doing better than a whole lot of guys.  If she gives you anal, then praise the Gods.  If she will let you dominate her in even more ways, then really you are truly blessed.  Be happy with that.

…but unless you *want* her to cheat on you with manlier men, and *want* one of those kinds of relationships where nobody cares who the real fathers of the babies are (some people are cool with that, no judgement) then if you want to be dominated or tied up, do yourself or find someone else to do that with.

If you make her, then you are killing your relationship.

Now, you can say that it won’t happen very often, so it’s no big deal, but again, I know men too well for that to fly.  When you guys like something, you want to do it all the time every time.  So what will happen (and this has happened in every case I’ve ever seen, and I would really love to know if there is someone out there with this experience, who hasn’t been “stuck”) is that you will be having lots of sex, and she will be getting no sex or only the kind of sex that convinces her that you are not really interested in her as much as you are the dildo or the bondage.  She may go along so as to keep peace in her home, because she loves you, or because she feels she doesn’t deserve any better, but you will lose her as soon as a guy comes along who really wants her and doesn’t need or like the circus.

Feel free to argue with me on this.  I’m sure I will get a few commenters who will claim that their husband is perfectly balanced, and only asks for bondage once a year or something…or that they peg their husband every night and she still sees her man as the man.  Whatever.  Just, if you haven’t gone there yet, and don’t want to have to backwards rationalize about it, I advise thinking before doing.

 

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.

36 Comments

  1. Thanks for the linkage. People don’t want to talk about it because of uncomfortable gender politics implications, but generally speaking it does seem that women have difficulty being attracted and bonded to their man unless he has at least something she can see him as “above” her in. Setting up a femdom kink voluntarily sacrifices one way a man can show that higher status.

    I’m generally of a “whatever floats your boat” kind of attitude but you are wise to note that some activities are very dangerous to the sanctity of a relationship.

    • Yes, it is difficult for some to admit, but to me it seems very simple: whatever one may like to do with consenting adults is fine, but what you do with someone determines what kind of relationship you\’re going to have.

      A guy who wants to keep hand with his wife shouldn\’t bottom with her for the same reason he wouldn\’t have his accountant remove a boil from his butt.

  2. Pingback: New Masculinity Syndrome Symptom: Men Using Kink to Avoid Intercourse - Game for Girls

  3. Pingback: Pegging: I Am Not Your Gay Man With a Vagina | The Ferrous Scrolls

  4. Maybe this is the same reason men cheat. If they’re in a relationship with a woman that likes to wear the pants occasionally, likes to feel like her opinion actually matters and does not always act feminine and submissive, they seek out a real woman that does. After all, men like a woman that always acts like a lady.

    • I think most men like a woman with a bit of fire in her. Being submissive all the time makes a suicidal and boring woman who gets cheated on with someone with more fire. The problems only start when people get so far away from whatever attracted their partner that the relationship ceases to function. People have needs that aren\’t subject to trends…and if what he needed was a dominant partner, he should have found one of those instead of trying to make a husband out of his wife.

  5. Thank you for this, I was really starrting to think I was the only self-loving woman on the net. I googled pegging after a friend told me her bf was pressuring her to do it and I’m beyond disgusted. Hundreds of pages of men asking things like “how to get a woman to peg me” or “how do I talk my gf/wife into pegging??” Umm first of all, if you have to beg, pay, or pressure a woman into something like that, you’ve got serious problems. And all these happy little housewives talking about “my husband loves to wear drag while I Fuck his ass, but I know he’s not gay” are lying to themselves. Wanting a rubber dick is still wanting dick up his ass, which by definition is gay even if that dick has breasts. So please ladies have some self-respect enough to question why your vagina is not enough for him and don’t just agree to keep him around.

  6. My husband started pressuring me into dominating him early in our relationship. It never really seemed like a hug deal untill four years later when I finished school, we got married and I lived at home permanently. He started pressuring me into dominating him several times a week, which I went along with until I got pregnant with our first child. I told him I wanted to stop, it was just too much work and I just wasn’t really that into it. He threw a hussy fit, tossed out over $1000 of sex toy (not all his) and I feekl like he just isn’t into vanilla sex at all anymore. I haven’t been satisfied in years and I feel like he is a spineless sissy bitch. I don’t want a divorce, I just want him to man the fuck up, plus the occasional desire to be dominated in the bedroom. Think there is any chance of this happening, or are we doomed?

    • In matters of sexual orientation, you are kind of doomed. His desires are not going to change, and as he gets older, he will simply need what he needs, and nothing outside of that will work.

      If you want to keep him, you may want to talk with him about opening the relationship so that you can both get your needs met. If you have an additional partner who is stable and taking care of you, then you may have the extra energy to play with your husband without the pressure that this is all you\’re going to get.

      If he won\’t open the relationship, and wants to basically trap you in a cage and starve you, then you will have to break it. There is then nothing to save.

  7. Yes I agree, and intercourse is usually removed from a Femdom relationship !

    Chasity is a good thing to practice for a Man as it builds sexual stamina . Tense and Denial is great too , and spending time pleasing a Woman Orally while your in Chasity is wonderful , however it’s great to get that release and have sex.

    I don’t understand why intercourse is removed ,I read stories of Husbands being in chasity for years with only Hand Relief once a month , and their Wife’s Cuckold them weekly with a Lover . However the Husband is not permitted intercourse at all ! To me that’s just cruel , there are good aspects to chasity and Female lead Relationships , there is some nasty aspects to Femdom ,the old saying power corrupts .

    • Hugh, when people are doing what they really want to do…what creates harmony within themselves and with their partner(s), and it\’s not harming anyone else, then nobody from outside can knock it. Those people are happy and fulfilled at nobody\’s expense.

      It\’s when people are not really doing what they want to do, and they\’re creating dysfunctional situations that it\’s a problem. People should understand that our biology isn\’t separate from our psychology, and that at least when a woman is in her childbearing years, she\’s running on a lot of estrogen. Acting against that, she\’ll be unhappy, and if she insists on doing things that make her unhappy, it\’s coming from a place of self destruction. Some people don\’t mind the idea of exploiting someone\’s self destruction, but those who do should take care what they lead their partner(s) into.

    • I agree, I being a sub male I should get some pussy too. Having too always clean her, him and only get to JO is not fare!

      • Grow a spine? Why any man would want to be a door mat is beyond comprehension… With 100% certainty you will grow old and be alone when she decides she wants man and finds one who can satisfy her sexually and meets all of the financial obligations8

      • Hi
        You need to change things and get your self worth and self respect back . Cuckholding can be a very deeply emotional pain. Wounding a Husbands self worth ,and creating feelings of abandonment and loss.
        You feel unloved ,there is no real reason why you should be sexually cut off.
        This is done to punish you , and to insure your demoted status in the relationship . It’s pure nonsense , you could have full sex one a month and enjoy your Wife’s cuckholding adventures . You need a level of Respect from her . I will never understand how a wife can treat her husband so harshly with no regard for his sexual needs or happiness and fully enjoy sex with someone else .
        And yet her Husband allowed her this sexual liberation to begin with . Men like you should be cherished by their Wives not treated like household pets who do everything for them and are forced to endure a sexless life . That sucks !!

        • If the &qute;Paltstinians&quoo; have a right of return, maybe the Jews should be given back their rights to Khybar and Medina (to be renamed Yathrib) after all they were there long before Muhammad was born. Maybe Bulut can give me an answer.

  8. Kthulah,

    Thank you for your insight and I agree with most of

    What you have said . However with Femdom a Husband has been conditioned to accept the status Qua . The point I’m trying to make is , why should intercourse be denied in a Femdom / Cuckhold relationship ?

    Yet intercouse is part if the relationship with a lover ? Yes I understand tense and deny , but surely not permitted intercourse at all has to be cruel and unnecessary .

    I would view intercourse as a critial component of a happy Relationship .

    It builds intimacy , well being and a real sense of being loved .

    I have nothing at all against cuckhold Relationships , I would just be concerned about the well being of a Husband denied for years . Even though I fully understand the dynamics of those Relationships .

    Yours Hugh

    • Hugh, under good circumstances, when everybody\’s comfortable with themselves and in synch with their partner, whether or not they have intercourse and how, is up to them. Not every guy even likes intercourse, and it may be a relief to them when their wife no longer demands it of them.
      The problem is when there is a mismatch, or when someone changes too much and causes a division, or when people confuse a short term fascination or exploration with identity.
      A mismatch, even when it\’s due to a life change, is nobody\’s fault. Deciding that because sometimes one prefers to be passive in bed, that one is all-around submissive, and bringing that identity issue into the marriage is when it becomes a problem that a guy who is not truly submissive would feel alienated because of a lack of intercourse. This is not to say that submissive guys never like intercourse. It\’s just kind of rare to the point that it begs the question.
      A marriage isn\’t a thousand night stand. It\’s the beginning of a family unit. Because men compartmentalize sex from making love, they can also compartmentalize kinky sex from marital sex is they want. It\’s okay to like different flavors in different situations and with different people.
      It\’s only recently that western women have decided that sex with one woman has to be a man\’s everything all the time, and that women should be unnaturally flexible, spinning too many plates at once. This is just not how humans work.

  9. Female Domination will ruin your marriage. I know It happened to me. Everything seemed fine for about a year, then I sensed a distance, both physical and emotional developimg. Three months later I came home from work and there was the note. A full explantion of my inadequacies na d lack of being a “real man” Despite what the internet and its feminists and p#ssified males say, in the real world, once you have a women dominate you sexually, peg you, whip your ass, and humiliate you she will lose respect for you as a man. she may try to claim that she respects you as a person and that the marriage can be based on that, but that is a lie. take it from one who knows

    • Thank you,just the response I wanted.They lose respect for you,and than cuckhold you,and treat you as a slave or human pet.

      thank you so much.

    • Left my husband despite having two kids because of this stuff. He slowly began coercing me AFTER our first child was born with guilt trips that i should be “open minded” that i was “too judgemental”. He didnt care that it literally made me want to vomitt, it was ALL about his wants.

      I tried, for the sake of our kids because the bastard would even threaten to not buy groceries if i didnt do the sick crap, and everytime his requests became more extreme until i couldn’t even see him as a man anymore, just a perverted dishonest homosexual effeminate whatever-the-fuck freak….

      I had to get to the point where i hated him even more than I loved my kids in order to go. Took ten years. I still want to puke when i think of him face down in the pillow with his ass up in the air wanting me to fist him like i was some dominant gay man… He permanently destroyed his image in my eyes.

  10. This is a really interesting article, the power shift has moved in our relationship it used to be 50% dom /sub but now my wife is more 95 % Dom and 5 % sub, I kind of enjoy being the sub more so let it happen that way but I feel I need to re address the balance or she may lose respect for me and look else where, I’m finding it quite difficult to reverse it though. To be clear outside of the bedroom I’d say I’m much more dominant and if cuckolding even got mentioned I’d tell her in no uncertain terms where to go. I must admit part of me wanted to go a bit further like cross dressing a perhaps pegging but after reading this article I’m not going to go down that route and will now work on ways to be more dominant in the bedroom, very well written article opened my eyes.

    • She has without a doubt lost respect for you as a man and has cheated, is cheating or wants to cheat on you take it from a male Dom who has seen and done it all to women

  11. This whole post and comments are so ridiculous . If you open to a woman and give her the gift of being submissive to her, and she wants to leave you or blah blah feel like a “woman”, then she’s a lame submissive bitch and not worth your time, and you should go find a real woman, who is really naturally dominant, not some flaky submissive skank, like most women out there. A real domme won’t leave you or feel incomplete etc for you being submissive (yourself) . Don’t listen to all of these “dominas” with their blogs who think they know it all. Don’t settle for anything less than what you need. Never.

    • I had to reply just because of your reply.
      I could not agree more, my fiancé pegs me, dominates me etc… When were in the mood, then I dominate her.
      To be honest, she’s not to into it but it makes me happy so she does it and then I also do things she likes that not a big fan of but do them because it’s this crazy thing called love.
      If they loserespect for you then why be with them.
      I don’t kknow why I care So much but these blogs are so annoying.
      They don’t know anything about dominance at all.
      This isn’t fifty shades of abuse my god.
      Sex is just that, sex.
      I agree that you want to be sure you love the person behind the strap on not just the strap on, however sometimes in love you just do what the other ways because you love them.
      By the way, to any who may think ” what does he know” I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 years now, were getting married very soon.
      I know plenty about love, it sounds like the ones running this blog don’t though.

      • Dude without a doubt she’s cheating on you or is thinking of cheating on you or has cheated on you… She has 6 years invested in you and she wants the pay off aka marriage once you are married you can forget about sex in general not just pegging and if kids arrive you’ll be lucky to have sex for 10 minutes once a month….you can keep lying to yourself because that’s how you get off….not only that, her friends don’t respect you either because with out a doubt she has told them…pussies like you make it harder on REAL men…you said it yourself she’s not into it…. Ask your self what you do for her that she likes that you’re not into…. Now where is that on the normal scale vs her having to put on a device and stick something up your ass

    • You are at some point going to be in for a real surprise loser….you disgust me she doesn’t respect you you’re a means to an end financial stability, a place to live, a habit etc but once she finds a way to replace you you will be replaced by an actual man permanently

      • You don’t know what your talking about. Why are you even on this thread?

        I’m married and have 2 kids. My wife and I have sex 5-7 times a week. She fingers my ass at least once a week. Sometimes she will use her dildo on me. Every other time we have sex, I’m fucking her like a gorilla, a mad man. She can’t even move when I’m done with her she cums so hard. Just because I want to sit back and have my G-spot hit, doesn’t make me any less of a man or even mean I’m being dominated, I just want her to give me the best nut possible, which requires anal play. Get out of here with your ignorance and homophobia.

        • Every woman i ever knew who dominated her man had to pretend to be fucking someone else mentally to orgasm. A male being submissive is one of the LARGEST turn offs for women there is. Dont even try to pretend this shit has anything to do with homophobia – in the wild males compete for sexual access by proving their strength. Do you think deer have antlers and gorillas have silverbacks because strength and ability to protect and provide the strongest genes doesnt matter?!

    • Great blog right here! Adtdoiinally your web site rather a lot up very fast! What host are you the usage of? Can I get your associate link for your host? I want my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  12. On a completely different note, this Mamasan is either a man pretending to be a woman fulfilling some pathological fantasy online, or she has serious hormonal deficiencies and needs medical attention asap…

    I’ve never seen a woman speak so black and white about any topic; whoever Mamasan may be, a natural woman she is not, so in all topics concerning sex with women, her word should mean an absolute 0.

    • And you’ve arrived at this conclusion because your pussy mind can’t deal with the possibility of her being write just because you’ve never met a woman who can explain things plainly doesn’t mean they don’t exist…..no your wife/GF do not respect you and yes she is cheating and it’s probably with a loser with no money

      • It’s funny to see women being dominant in the fact of being submissive in their sex life. Only a Women could be so conflicting. “No your going man up and fuck me your fucking faggot, and that’s all you’ll ever do”

  13. It’s not that she will stop loving you etc but that she wants any form of control as a feminist in general and can’t really see the difference in bed or the high street. So the love ended when you gave up to the legal idea that she was in your financial debt despite not doing anything in the house for you for 2 generations now if you’re British. Sexist guessing games are hardly the end of it all. Blowjob meant sex once but means submission now, or perhaps better self control lost and identified via supression as weakness due to the slightly health based risks of abandoning yourself to someones pants.

    I am very interested that complete social domination is the declared aim of femdom. This is not a temporary thing in the closet only. We do not dance or socialise together as distinct sexes anymore but as social classes. I’d not desire identity to be heterosexual if people are gay but the sex dominance thing is merely an expression of the general trouble outdoors. Yes she’ll leave you, perhaps, like if you spend all your money in her with nothing back, perhaps. Women like this are professing to desire to have independent finances and social controls that may avoid you needing to give in, having less fear as a result may mean you are more valuable after all to her like she is to you.

  14. Yeah just man the fuck up FAGGOTS

  15. Regardless if a woman loses intrest In a domination role and begins to look elsewhere..how many women have left great marriages and wonderful hetero hubbys’ for something less? It don’t matter . When a woman is done with a man . She’s gone. Regardless.

  16. What a pathetic article, really blame the author for her sexual life which seems extremely poor. Not gonna argue on why as this is pointless given the tone of the article but I hope that normal guys won’t be discouraged by reading such bullshit

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