The information in the last article on the seven marks of beauty probably didn’t surprise anyone. Most women today who haven’t gone completely off the deep end, understand that men are visual, so their appearance is important. The cosmetic and weight loss industries are still booming, so I’m comfortable with the fact that women are mindful in this subject. The thing that seems to be escaping most, at least in the western world, is that behavior still matters…maybe not to most men, but to the marrying type who are left.
Now, let me remind everyone before we begin, that on this website, we try to focus on what is, not what should be according to anyone’s ideology. If you approach this with too much “should”, then you will miss the point as well as missing out on information that will gain you truly positive male attention. For the men, some of what you read here may piss you off too, but before you react, breathe and consider your and your peers’ actual behavior, not the face saving rationalizations.
Another thing, these are all important. I am listing them from the most to least important in my observation. Others may have different priorities, and that’s okay. This is just how I would rate them based on my experiences and observations as a human roaming this Earth, and as a spiritual counselor of the Voodoo flavor who tends to get all the unfiltered dirt on what really happens in relationships.
Related to appearance, feminine behavior is extremely important. Cultures and subcultures vary as far as what that means exactly, but basically, you want your behavior to say that you are a woman as much as your appearance does.
The easiest way to become more feminine in behavior is basically to stop imitating men’s body language. Just be natural. Realistically, this may not be a safe option all the time, so you’ll need to learn to soften when you are around a man you feel safe with. This includes men you’re not sexually or romantically interested in.
When you’re around men you feel safe with and protected by, instead of trying to be “one of the guys”, go with the flow. Most men are dying for the women in their lives to let them do their natural job. Let them open doors, pull out chairs, scan areas you enter for possible dangers, and step in when someone approaches who they don’t trust.
Some of this may sound like chivalry, and it kind of is, but it’s mostly just men doing what men do for women they care about. If men in your life are not behaving this way, it means something is wrong with them, or they don’t value you as much as you think they do, or you have been too resistant when they are trying to be men for you.
Chivalry is not a one-way thing that men do for women. It is an exchange of graces that is formed within a society. It’s like the rules of engagement for ladies and gentlemen. If you behave like a lady, then men who are men will generally behave like gentlemen towards you.
As far as behaving like a lady, in modern terms, this means mindful gentleness and nurturing. It is free-flowing empathy in action.
So in your conversation, try being more understanding and less contrary and argumentative. Definitely avoid being obnoxious, sarcastic, or a know-it-all.
Now, this may ruffle some feathers, but there’s an old southern practice that has served many women well. Don’t insert yourself into male groups or interactions without a good reason. If you see two or more men talking, stay out of their business. If you are not directly involved or referenced in the conversation, what they are talking about is not your business. Also, don’t criticize how men interact with each other. Their way is different from ours.
One more thing about feminine behavior, you need to limit your use of profanity. Sometimes there are no other suitable words but swear words, but these should be few and far between.
#2 Can Cook
It’s true that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. You don’t have to be the best cook in the world, but you should know the basics. If you don’t then get on YouTube and start practicing. Start with breakfast foods, since that is the easiest meal to prepare.
You should know how to cook because if you expect to someday be a wife and mother, it is your job to mind the nutrition of your household, and to build morale through the food. You have to do both, and this is a tough balance. You will need to reach a certain level of skill to achieve it.
As a single woman, you may think that you don’t have who to cook for, but you do. Start with your immediate family. If they aren’t around, then cook for your friends. In fact, make it a group thing that you do for each other. It’s much more fun and inexpensive than hanging out at the mall or cafe.
Bust out the calendar, or use social media to schedule “Mini Dinis” (small dinner parties) where each of your friends cooks for at least 3 of your other friends at least twice per month. Best is if you can each cook at least once per week. If you live close together, like in a military barracks or college dorm, you probably have a community kitchen somewhere on base or campus. Use it. If it is neglected, get it back into ship shape. If under-supplied, then thrift stores and family services on your base or campus are good places to get supplies for cheap or free.
Believe me, once people are smelling good food, you and your group will gain a reputation, and more will join. You may even recruit some dudes who like to barbecue, but just didn’t have who to do that for.
While you’re learning to cook, it’s a good idea to learn about specific sorts of diets men like, such as paleo and primal. A man will appreciate it greatly if you are on board with his efforts to be healthier, and you can make it easier by making it delicious. Learn to can and preserve food as well. This shows that you think about the future. Seriously, a jar of home made jam or pickles have inspired proposals.
Knowing how to cook not only makes you more attractive in general, but the food itself gets “asses in the seat” almost immediately.
#3 Can Clean
Aside of having good hygiene yourself, you should know how to clean. Cleaning is not something you do when things are dirty. Cleaning is what you do to prevent things getting dirty. When your place is dirty, a man is afraid to have children with you because your children will be in a dirty environment.
This, like cooking, requires balance. You don’t need a surgical cleanliness where people are afraid to touch anything in your place, but you need to have a semblance of order…and nobody should be afraid to touch anything because of dirt either.
Pick a day of the week to do a category of chores. Which day to do what depends on your personal schedule. One tip though, it is better to do chores at the beginning of the day than the end of the day. Wake up an hour earlier than you normally would, if you can, and get something done. If this is impossible because you get up too early, then do everything the morning of your day off.
Like cooking, this is something that you do not have to do on your own. In fact, get used to giving help to and receiving help from your friends. The cooking and cleaning itself, as well as helping each other, is good practice for your future. Female (and androgyne) family and friends should help each other, and yes, be all up in each other’s business.
Especially since we are hormonal and sometimes depressed, and hey everyone gets sick sometimes, friends and family should notice and help get us back on our game, and help each other out when we are overwhelmed.
If you are a teenager or still living with your parents, you should be helping with cleaning chores. If you have parents who are a bit jealous about the chores, if it won’t cause too much strife, don’t ask, just do. Wash the dishes, and load the dishwasher if you have one, daily. Keep your room clean. Imagine your room like a studio apartment that you are responsible for.
Men really don’t care what you do for a living so long as they see that you can live below your means. Living within your means is not enough. You need to be able to save money. This may be difficult if you do not have a job because you are a student or between jobs, but it is a must. A man needs to see that you can handle what resources you are given like a pro.
Even if all you are given is an allowance or stipend, take 10% of that off the top, and put it in the bank. You don’t touch this money unless it is a real emergency, like someone died, your car broke down, or you need to be bailed out of jail for some reason. The rest should be divided between expenses.
Budget for entertainment, because this is realistic, and will put a cap on how much you spend on it. It will also help you to prioritize and make experiences that are worth remembering, instead of just passing time.
A very important bit of advice I received as a girl about money is this: never tell a (Straight) man how much money you have. In addition, never tell any of your family or friends who may have issues around money, how much money you have…but really really never tell a man.
This is not because men are untrustworthy or something. It is simply because they think differently than we do. If a man has money or credit, he usually maxes out or pushes it to the limit. If a woman does this, she is criticized as a shopaholic or worse. Yes, it is a double standard, but there is a reason for it, and this is why in a traditional family, the woman runs the family finances.
Women think about the children, and account for tragedies and emergencies. In most non western cultures, women wear or bank gold because it keeps its value even if there is a war. This has helped many families survive unspeakable historical events. Take the lesson.
Of course, not all men suck with money, but enough of them do that you should always have a silent backup.
When you marry, you should be ready to take on the family finances. Start managing your own, and then when you’re in a committed relationship, start managing his. Because things are as they are today, he is going to resist, but if you have proven that you can handle your business, he will know that you are not a gold digger, but a traditional woman who is frugal, and taking him towards success, and not the poor house.
As you show more responsibility with money, your family may become more generous towards you because they trust you more. You may be entrusted with, or inherit more “women’s money” such as gold. These are to be saved for a true disaster. If there are traditional status symbols for responsible women in your family, don’t think of them as old fashioned. Wear them whenever it is safe to. Aside of showing that you have the important home skill of frugality, wearing the status symbols of your culture increases your chances of attracting a quality man within your culture.
#5 Modesty, Virginity, and Chastity
Believe it or not, there is a tacit dress code in western cultures. It goes something like this. Virgins, women who are taken, and women in professional settings, should never show cleavage or wear dresses or shorts above the knee. Formalwear may show up to a centimeter of cleavage, the top third if the back, and the shoulders. Tank shirts and the like are only for summer, but the cleavage rules still apply.
The reason for this is reformation culture. Especially in England and the U.S. Anglo Protestants have historically led the way in moderate, practical modesty.
The reason this is number 5 on the list is that modesty is situational, and virginity or chastity is one of those things a man would have to know you to know about. Unfortunately, modern western culture places these things in the sphere of ideals, and few actually discuss the practical, real world benefits outside of a religious context.
Since we are dealing with is, rather than should, it is not that this is not important really, but that women are devaluing their sexuality so often that it is difficult now to find a virgin of marrying age. It is also bringing up a big can of worms to discuss behavioral redemption for women who have made mistakes or bumblings in the past, and are making corrections or healing from oversexed culture.
Then there is the issue of moderated sexual expression of affirmative sluts and whores: women who enjoy sex, do not deprive themselves or their partners, but value virtues such as honesty, loyalty, and modesty. At the moment, any public dialogue on these issues leads to women accusing folks of trying to control them, and screaming “patriarchal oppression”, and men coming out with rather fatalistic judgements due to their dissatisfaction with the current state of western society.
So I’m trying to bring some sanity into this by saying Pandora’s box is open already. There is no way to get all the demons back in overnight. However, since women are the gatekeepers of sex, it’s our job to fix this one by one. Also, though androgynes are historically, picking up the slack as far as everyday sexual activities, because of their role as the “bridge people” between men and women, the more feminine among you may also want to take note.
Okay…If you are a virgin, meaning you have never had consensual sex before, save it for marriage or a marriage level committed relationship. Though many things in western society have changed, the reality is neither as bleak nor as “free” as many feminists would have you believe. Your virginity is valuable.
Virginity means that you are capable of keeping your legs closed, and this is a remarkable feat in today’s social climate, with today’s pressures. Keeping your virginity means that you are more likely to be a loyal partner. You have been faithful to your/your family’s principles and standards, and will be faithful to your future husband’s.
You are not missing anything by not having sex before marriage.
I know that sounds like something people just say to keep you a virgin, but it is the honest to God/Nature truth. It’s not that all men are the same. Oh no. It is that non traditional men suck in bed.
I repeat. Non traditional men SUCK in bed.
They suck in bed, and they don’t know how to treat a woman. Men raised in most traditional, even sane secular families are taught to avoid or at least not overuse porn and masturbation. They are generally raised to grow up on time (a man should be capable of being somewhat self supporting, if not a provider type fully, by 14-16 years old). They are taught both personal responsibility and how to relate to women. Basically, you are going to have a better time with them all around, so long as nothing went wrong like extreme abuse in the family.
People’s sexuality doesn’t develop in a social vacuum. The formative years of a man’s life, observation, and experience shape people. By the time a traditional guy with conscious parents gets to you, he’s seen enough to know how things work, and is not confused about what he’s supposed to be doing. His models for relationships come from family in which couples made it work ’til death, and his models for sexuality come from observing Nature in action. He knows how to care for living beings because he had responsibilities.
…and on the sexual end, he may not have so much experience, but once he gets it right, he will put it down like you will never have it again in your life. You’ll grow together emotionally and sexually.
I can’t give a 100% guarantee. Some dudes have issues no matter how well they’re raised, but with a traditional guy, the sexual circus usually isn’t one of them. Whatever hoops you may have to jump through to keep things fun are more likely to be acceptable ones like coloring your hair at 35, or not getting fat if you can help it.
All you are missing from avoiding the “cock carousel” is a string of stupid porn addicts who sincerely do not care if you drop dead…and confused guys who have to behave that way with you because the context in which you had sex with them was wrong.
See, casual boning is the domain of affirmative sluts and whores, not for young women looking for a husband. Your value as a potential wife decreases every time you devalue your sexuality by making yourself the sperm dump for a guy who hasn’t proven that he cares enough about you to keep you.
Some women don’t want to be kept. Some women may like being kept, but understand that they are past the time when this would be plausible, or in circumstances or of a temperament that would make this extremely unlikely…and that’s fine. If however, you dream of having a happy marriage with a quality man who values you, don’t go into that world.
Nowadays, virginity and chastity are so rare that they are a very close second to beauty in overall marriage value for traditional, fatherhood quality men. So don’t fall for the hype or the pleas of people who just want to drag you down.
Misery loves company. Other girls/women who have lost their virginity already will encourage you to do the same. If you are older and not a virgin, and find yourself unluckily on the market again, your peers will encourage you to degrade yourself and give it up to men who don’t care anything for you out of desperation.
Try dressing and behaving modestly, and vetting partners for strong values, and you will see that you’ll have no problem finding a real man.
…and even if you are an affirmative slut, you will find the quality of men you end up in bed with increases in proportion to your modesty, femininity, and toughness with yourself.
#6 Health and Fitness
Aside of some fetishists, men don’t generally want a muscle-babe, or even a gym-bunny with washboard abs, but you should look like you could pop out a few babies without dying. This is a matter of behavior because really, women come in a variety of body types, and people of different ethnicities and from different regions will and should have different standards. Hell, different families will and should have different standards.
What a father-quality man from anywhere wants to see is that you can move. He wants to see you walking, dancing, and being active. This shows that you will have the energy to take care of his children.
Going with is instead of should again…Though I’m not a big fan of some of the activities that go on in dance clubs, if you have a safe and happy place to dance, you should go to them occasionally. You don’t have to drink or do drugs or go home with strange men. If you are going to drink, then appoint a friend to be the “designated walker” to stay sober, keep the group together, and out of trouble.
Traditional guys go to clubs sometimes too nowadays. You might meet someone nice. Just don’t go home with him. Trade numbers, and talk when you and he are sober.
Be mindful that some crowds are friendlier than others, and some clubs are more safety conscious and down to Earth than others. You kinda know what you’re looking at by the doorman. If the doorman and the security you can see are tough guys who look ready, then it is probably a safer place than if you can’t tell who is security.
Then there is the standard place people show off their fitness: the gym. The local walking and bike paths are also good. A walk or bike ride and a picnic are great second dates.
If you are into any sports, this is the kind of thing to share with your man or potential man. Wear your team colors. If you’re taking ballet or martial arts, and your class has a patch or pin, put that on your jacket. Some belly dancers are in the habit of wearing a scarf, sometimes even with the tiny bells or coins around their waists. Advertise your sportiness.
If you are disabled, then the sad truth is that some men are going to disqualify you on that basis. Screw them. Everybody is allowed their preferences, and if someone doesn’t want you, don’t even bother your mind about them. There are plenty of men who prioritize behavior over physical beauty, and can see physical beauty beyond normal restrictions. So don’t worry about guys who don’t like you. Consider the needs of the ones who do. Men just want to see that you’re not lazy.
This is last on the list because men who are father-quality really do not give a care about a woman’s socioeconomic class. The story of Cinderella became popular not just because it’s a nice story, but because it is the story of the life of the many, many women throughout human history who have married well or married up because they were feminine, devoted, and industrious. Not everybody got a prince, but many have gotten a “king”.
It is on the list though, because it is a concern, perhaps not for the man, but for his family. Since we’re talking about your marriage worthiness, how his family or culture regards you determines whether or not you will be a good fit. Unless he is defecting into your culture, you will need to meet the standards of his. Even if he is defecting into your culture, he will probably not volunteer for a downgrade.
Class has a lot to do with a person’s values and how they live day to day, as well as the prospects for your children’s future. A man from a family of intellectuals is not going to marry a woman who is not going to raise intellectuals. A man who is a mechanic is not going to marry a woman who cannot raise industrious people. If they do by accident or folly, they regret it.
So along with everything we’ve mentioned before, if you are not behaving according to the best possible standards of your class, you are not likely to be able to punch within or above your class as far as marriageability.
If you were brought up dignified-poor, even if you don’t adhere to every minute standard, you should not be behaving like trash. If you were brought up in a military or warrior family, you should show your appreciation of warriors and warrior culture. If you were brought up by free love hippies, you should understand how that came about, even if you disagree with some things or make different personal choices, and take full advantage of the unique opportunities the community brings.
Whatever background you come from, being an asset to your community shows that you are not over entitled, and that you understand your responsibility to your people, and therefore to your future husband and your children. You don’t take your status for granted, and are unlikely to degrade yourself or your family.
Scandals, drama, decadence, and self degradation are a red flag to a man that you may someday shame him or raise children who will.
Where to Get Assistance in Womaning Up
The tips here are very general, but you will want to fine tune them to suit your personal situation. For some, it is very easy to find who to talk to about how one should conduct one’s self, but for others it is not so easy. Some grew up with overly feminist or otherwise dysfuctional moms and female family, and it may seem that there is nowhere to turn.
The good news though is that good women are all community minded. Do not let the default isolated behavior of most people around fool you. There are churches, temples, crafting and cooking clubs and sites full of women who love to share.
In the near future, I will be listing people and groups who reach out locally to help women to be more functionally female. If you would like to add yourself or your group as a resource or helper, then feel free to contact us or comment.