Don’t Try Femdom Mindlessly Unless You Want To Lose Your Wife

This one is for the guys.  I understand that some of my male readers are into female domination.  There is nothing wrong with that, but understand that around these parts, we deal in the *is* not the *should* (according to the mainstream or the pseudofreakstream) of sexuality.

I am not quite sure whether or not nobody else in the world of the open minded is willing to say this because it is against the feminist agenda, or because it is so obvious to the truly kinky that we take it for granted that others should know this.  Apparently though, it needs to be said.  There are too many guys out there who think we women are all drooling for girly guys we can step on while every other aspect of the relationships remains “normal”.  Life don’t work that way.

Though there is nothing morally wrong with pegging (a woman penetrating a man with a dildo or other phallic object), fisting, or F/m bondage and the like, the who matters just as much as the what.  There are some things that once seen, cannot be unseen, and once done, cannot be undone.  Even just allowing, much less pressuring or “encouraging” (read pressuring), a woman to dominate you will shift the balance of authority in your relationship.  Unless you want this to happen, don’t open doors that can’t be closed with someone you want to remain committed to you.

Guys need to seriously think before asking a woman they intend to be close to, to dominate them.  If you make your wife or girlfriend dominate you, then regardless of what is ideal, she will no longer view you as a man.

A straight or bi leaning straight woman not viewing you as the man means that you will lose authority over the aspects of her sexuality that require a man to regulate.  She will cheat on you or at least think of cheating on you with men who are manly and at least temporarily want to dominate her instead of her dominating them.

Women are hypergamous.  If a man is going to stay a man, in our perception, then he has to be more dominant than us.  This doesn’t mean there is no room whatsoever, for play of any kind.  What it means is that it should only go so far, and be so often.  That varies from woman to woman, but certainly if she is on top/topping more than maybe 30% of the time, you are going to lose her or share her with a man who never needs to be the girl, sub, bottom whatever, at least not with her.  In fact, a huge risk in allowing or getting your wife or girlfriend involved with BDSM and other flavors of kink is the scene, and the fact that there are many Dominant men in it.

Women are social creatures, and on the internet, they are free to explore whatever they like, and ask questions of whomever they like under a comfortable cloak of anonymity.  It should worry you that once you kick open the kink door, she will seek people to help her cope with this, and some of those people are going to be Doms and female submissives who are very happy with their Doms.  Female subs are the best recruiters of new harem members, and so your glee at having a live-in prostate stimulator or bondage supervisor can die when you find out that Master Mandingo or Lord Nordyfjord has been ramming every orifice of her body because you practically gave her to him.

Now, being realistic, I understand men are all kinds of freak.  You have your kinks, quirks, whatever, and that’s cool.  So here’s what you do if you have an alternative itch that needs scratching…

Outsource or compensate HEAVILY.

By “outsource”, I mean find another play partner your life isn’t tied to.  Many people in the BDSM/kink scenes do play that doesn’t involve exchange of body fluids.  You could even find someone in a similar situation to yourself, who has a relationship they don’t want to blur the lines of.

There are also professionals who will do whatever you like if you pay them enough.  If it is really important to you to do these things, there are specialists who are not hookers with whips.

Do not make your wife or girlfriend do it unless she explicitly offered to.  If she doesn’t bring that into your relationship, or specifically states that this is not where she wants things to go, then let that go.  Don’t go there with her.  You will regret it.  Even if she does offer to go there, think about whether or not she is offering because she is trying to be interesting, or if this is something she really wants.

If she really does want this, think about why a woman would want to do sexual activities that distance you from her genitals.   Some women will use kinky activities that preclude vaginal penetration in order to avoid having sex with their husband/boyfriend.  There could be good or not so good reasons she is happy to avoid penetrative sex with you.  Often, when women are cheating, they will avoid having sex with their husband during ovulation because they would prefer to become pregnant by their lover.  Sometimes that will be floating in their subconscious even if they aren’t actually cheating.  Avoidance of sex with you when she is most fertile (and most horny) means that it may at least be on her mind.

So if it’s really okay with her, then if you do go there, then be prepared to either shag her silly afterwards, on the same day or as soon as possible.  Don’t let her spend too much time being sexually frustrated, and don’t let her come to think of the non intercourse kink as a replacement for sex.  She should be very aware that she is not “off the hook” just because you had a cuff-and-tug.

If she’s not cool with dominating you, but you love her, and she loves you, and the basic sex is good and she is moving enough, then that is enough.  If she freely gives you oral more than once a month, you are doing better than a whole lot of guys.  If she gives you anal, then praise the Gods.  If she will let you dominate her in even more ways, then really you are truly blessed.  Be happy with that.

…but unless you *want* her to cheat on you with manlier men, and *want* one of those kinds of relationships where nobody cares who the real fathers of the babies are (some people are cool with that, no judgement) then if you want to be dominated or tied up, do yourself or find someone else to do that with.

If you make her, then you are killing your relationship.

Now, you can say that it won’t happen very often, so it’s no big deal, but again, I know men too well for that to fly.  When you guys like something, you want to do it all the time every time.  So what will happen (and this has happened in every case I’ve ever seen, and I would really love to know if there is someone out there with this experience, who hasn’t been “stuck”) is that you will be having lots of sex, and she will be getting no sex or only the kind of sex that convinces her that you are not really interested in her as much as you are the dildo or the bondage.  She may go along so as to keep peace in her home, because she loves you, or because she feels she doesn’t deserve any better, but you will lose her as soon as a guy comes along who really wants her and doesn’t need or like the circus.

Feel free to argue with me on this.  I’m sure I will get a few commenters who will claim that their husband is perfectly balanced, and only asks for bondage once a year or something…or that they peg their husband every night and she still sees her man as the man.  Whatever.  Just, if you haven’t gone there yet, and don’t want to have to backwards rationalize about it, I advise thinking before doing.




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Swirling Should Not Be a Movement

There has been a bit of hype of late about “swirling” (African American women dating and marrying outside their ethnicity).  Some have made it a kind of a movement.  I don’t think it should be a movement, just that people should date whoever does right by them.  Other men aren’t more likely to do right by an African woman.  They’re actually less likely because of ideas of worth based on color/ethnicity and a tendency throughout history of whoever’s considered the “upper class” to look down on and exoticise the “lower class”.

So if you’re open to dating out, don’t discriminate by color, but definitely discriminate by behavior. If you have to lower rather than adjust your expectations or demands, then you are not doing yourself any favors by dating out.


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What do men really want?

I’ve decided to make a post about what men really want.  Well, maybe not just men in general, but the men who matter: the ones who actually want and/or are in a real relationship.

Since it’s best to let the men speak for themselves, this is basically a list of links.  However, it would be irresponsible of me not to post a disclaimer, and that is whatever you read, the woman should be of the same or a socially convenient class.  What that is depends on the guy and how socially dependent he is, regardless of his social class.  An “omega” male with debilitating shyness who looks like an elf on amphetamines, may think he’s too good for a woman who doesn’t look like a model or a porn star, if he is overly socially dependent.  So whatever he says he may want as far as personality starts with the default requirement for the woman to look like someone he would be seen with.

However, it’s good to know what men want so that if you do meet one for whom you are socially convenient, you don’t screw it up by making assumptions based on the advice of people who don’t really relate to men.  Men are not so out of touch with their feelings and desires as many may think.  What they say they like is usually what they like when the social component is removed or the minimum social requirements are met.

Another disclaimer, the authors of these posts or articles are not responsible for and do not claim any agreement with their commenters.  The comments are just perspectives of other readers and should not be viewed as part of the article.  Some writers like their comments section to be an area of relatively free expression, where people can discuss and debate ideas.  So I don’t want anyone from here trolling or harassing people at any of these sites.  Shaming language is frowned upon, so if you’re going to post, leave your feminism at the door, but definitely bring your humanity.

Now, onto the links:

The Rawness – The Perfect Woman: A How-to Guide
A pretty good breakdown of what a relationship minded man who actually gives a darn about the truth with regards to manhood in society today.

The Spearhead – What do men find attractive?
A call to open a dialogue on what men are looking for in a woman.

The Sydney Morning Herald – What Men Want In a Wife
In this article, a nightclub owner admits that when he was younger, it was very important that his girlfriend be very hot, and that all his friends want (to shag) her.  He’s a good example of a supposed “alpha” male with a dark, socially dependent underbelly.  He says he’s looking for different things now, but a leopard doesn’t change its spots.  However, since it is hard to find women who are able to balance the social role of being a hottie and being a good trophy who won’t embarass the family or take half, he may have grown more realistic if not less socially dependent.


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The New Rules

A.J. Travis, an exasperated Roissy commenter has set his hand to spelling out a straightforward and updated set of “rules” for the modern woman who isn’t a hoe.  He’s doing pretty good so far, but could use some feedback.  It’s always helpful for us advice dispensers to get alternate points of view, so please click here to read the Rules post and share your thoughts.  Please be gentle though, because he’s a good guy trying to do a good thing for good girls, not a cad just looking for the next shag.


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Unspoken Rule: Straight Guys Don’t Do Anal

Well, except under special circumstances, such as their beloved wife asking them for it after performing three soap and water enemas and taking two loperamide, and even then vaginal is preferable.

When guys hear another guy obsessing over buttsecks, a little voice inside their heads is telling them that he’s Gay.  There’s nothing wrong with being Gay, but the dude is running a high risk if he should ever find himself incarcerated with people who know this about him.

Since most guys don’t go to jail for long periods, sending this message may not make them cell wives, but it will earn them some interesting nicknames behind their backs.  Since anal sex has become a staple of porn, most guys wouldn’t call a dude out for this in public.  Almost every one will experiment with it if he gets the opportunity.  It’s just that after doing it once or twice, a straight guy will not want to do that again unless he’s into poo.  Even some Gay guys prefer heroic man love over anal.

Why this rule is unspoken is due to a combination of middle class male peer pressure and feminist ideology.  To say that one hates anal sex, and thinks men who give or receive it past experimentation are Gay paints one as sexually inept and homophobic.   Men are afraid to be honest about their level of disgust for it.

For some, because of their hidden beliefs, there is shame after engaging in it at their partners’ request.  There’s also suspicion that the woman isn’t enjoying it, which is quite often the case.  She feels pressured to copy the porn queens to keep her man, and he feels pressured to copy the studs to keep up with her supposed needs and the other guys who all say that they’ve done it.  So at the end of the night, both have had sex like peer pressured puppets, and neither feels closer.  If they don’t speak honestly, they both feel pressured to repeat the activity, and slowly the guy starts feeling like even more of a “punk”.

So before you break out the KY jelly and prepare yourself to grin and bear it, ask your man how he feels about anal sex in a non pressure situation first.  If he gets a look on how face like he just tasted something bad, and you get the old girlfriend stories of poo, just let that go.

…and if one of his friends’ nicknames is Alfred Sh**cock, the two of you can have fun planning his coming out party.



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