The realities of life and the economy don’t always support a traditional family situation, but a man should at least want to be the primary breadwinner for the same reason you should want to be able to be home to raise your children.
He should not want you to have to be out in the streets working for someone else, who will in many ways take time and attention priority over him.
He should not want you to have to dress sexy under the guise of maintaining a professional image, to be leered at by your boss and other male coworkers.
He should not want you to be walking around looking like you need anything, be that money or sex, from another man.
…for the same reason you should not want to entrust strangers with the care of your children.
If a man does not want to take care of you, does not want to be the one providing the things you need from a man, does not want to maintain his exclusivity in providing for your and your children or future children’s needs, then he is not interested in being your man. He is only interested in being your room mate, and does not deserve the authority that men who at least want and strive to be the man should have in your life.
So long as you are holding up your end, he should hold up his.
Sex is not an equal or even exchange of “services” between men and women. Women are at higher risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease if he has been uncareful about who he has been with. Women also catch infections more easily from sex, especially if any of the activity was unsanitary. Women can get pregnant, and pregnancy is traumatic to the body regardless of whether the woman carries to term. A miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy can happen. Women are scarred for life in a very unaesthetic way by caesarean sections.
If we must take the pill because our partner doesn’t wish to use condoms, we run a higher risk of heart attack and stroke. If we opt for barriers and spermicide, we are suffering some irritation that could lead to infections or trigger allergies.
Women have a shorter time of being optimally physically attractive. Most of us are not ideally “hot” to begin with, and the time is ticking until the age of 30 when most of us have already begun to show signs of aging and markedly reduced fertility. We do not have years to waste on a man who is not going to be the man. Many today think they have that option and then find themselves reduced to a casual-only prospect by most men with options by the end of their twenties.
Whatever time we give to a man is precious, and we do not get it back.
We are not generally as strong or as combat fit as men by a long shot. Our bones are lighter, and we are more fragile. It is the price of having lots of estrogen. We are taking a risk of physical injury or death just being in physical contact with a man. If he is uncareful or uncaring or hostile, we have little or no chance of escaping unharmed. So when a woman is in a room alone with a man, she is showing him a great deal of trust. She is banking on his benevolence.
Today, most women are being encouraged to abandon their traditional and often natural role as mothers and home managers. We are also now discouraged from being actually pretty, as opposed to dressing to flaunt sexual availability. So when a woman is actually doing the woman thing by being feminine, modest, mindful of her grooming, nurturing, and resourceful, she is showing a remarkable level of resistance to negative cultural programming. She is doing the woman thing despite its being currently unfashionable. She deserves a man who is doing the man thing despite its being labeled as controlling and chauvanistic.
Tags: authority, feminine, femininity, gender roles, home maker, home manager, manhood, men, sex roles, women
One of the most frequently complained about symptoms of new masculinity syndrome is the avoidance of intercourse by men. It doesn’t seem so because most of the time, the woman is unaware that the man is avoiding penetrative sex. The complaints are usually centered around the man becoming obsessed with some way of ejaculating that does not involve penis-in-vagina sex.
Usually, the woman is left unsatisfied by whatever activity the man has chosen to focus on. The man assumes because the women in porn seem to be having so much fun that the woman he is with is also going to get off on the activity. If she does not, then he believes that she is somehow wrong, repressed, or purposefully resisting enjoying the activity. Sometimes, if the man is particularly giving, he will compensate the woman, but with some activity such as manual or oral sex, but this is true only of men who have at least a good understanding of and comfort with their submissive side. Most of the time, the men are too selfish to even consider even the woman’s physical need for clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation if not penetration.
Since they are having some sort of sex, it isn’t that the man has erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety. These men usually feel quite free, and in fact liberated in a way. They have found something that gives them everything intercourse does. The problem is that these activities give the woman nothing that intercourse does.
Without going into the unnecessary analysis (since David Schnarch has already done this) in this article, the reason these men are as they are is because of a fear of manhood and the aggression that is part of being a man. They have been programmed to believe that even normal or good fathers who did their part in life, and required their women to do the woman’s part, were monsters and that what was monstrous about them was demanding sex. So to be good men, they believe that they should not demand sex, but there’s a twist.
Because they are men who physically and hormonally and emotionally will demand sex, they redirect this to activities that are sex but not sex-sex. They will focus on getting their sexual needs met with oral sex or kink that does not involve intercourse. One of the most popular is Femdom type activity that seems as if it should be satisfying to the woman, but very few women are satisfied by this even in ideal conditions. Most of the time, the conditions are not ideal, and what actually goes on is that the woman does things to the man, and the man does nothing, and they are not even in a position favorable to woman-on-top intercourse.
So the women end up sexually frustrated.
Sexually frustrated women with options cheat.
…but this is where it gets interesting. Often, much like a woman will stay in a relationship with a man who isn’t good for her because of money, status, or for the sake of the kids, a man will stay in a relationship with a woman he does not want to have actual sex with because she gives him the benefits of being in a stable relationship, and sexually does the other things he prefers. He knows that he doesn’t have many options because the choice is frigid women who will give him nothing, or mercenary women who will do what he wants so long as he’s paying her.
What he secretly hopes will happen is that the frustrated woman will stop demanding sexual intercourse with him, and have sex with someone else, but keep him as the boyfriend or husband. In fact, there is a whole cuckold fetish around that, where husbands watch their wife have sex with another man while the husband masturbates.
More often though, how it works is that the husband will want the wife or girlfriend to cheat, but not want to know about it. He wants the dignity of being in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but does not want to take on the responsibility of maintaining his exclusivity by pleasing his wife. Her cheating puts her at a moral disadvantage because neglect is not considered as much a sin as actively shagging another person. So the sexually neglected wife lives in a constant state of guilt, and is not allowed to complain about her husband not satisfying her. Some couples go for years like this.
The vast majority of modern men have some degree of NMS. For most, it is not totally debilitating, but for many, it impairs normal functioning as men in many ways including sexually. So there is no way to say, for certain, that a man will or won’t basically check out. For certain, most will if the women in their lives allow them to, especially if they do not have the social encouragement from, and perhaps deterrent to neglect by the existence of, significant numbers of masculine males.
If a man knows that he can’t get away with feminizing, he simply won’t because he is male and it is natural for him to behave as such. So he may try to go there, but if nobody around him is going to stand for it, this will pass because it will take too much effort for him to be so unnatural. His own nature can’t support and sustain it, and nobody around him is going to indulge the illusion that it can.
If there are many masculine men around, then he knows that what he won’t do for his woman, someone else will. Especially if she is pretty, feminine, nurturing, and sexual. The woman he takes for granted would quickly find another who would dry her tears and calm her frustrations.
If however, the society encourages male feminization as an ideal to aspire to, and most men around buy into this, he has some illusion of choice in this matter. There can grow all sorts of stupidity that will make you the villain for not being “open minded” enough.
So the first warning sign for a possibly sexually neglectful man is a sexually broken family or social group. If his parents had a sexless marriage while he was growing up, he will probably see this as okay. It doesn’t matter whether it was because of the father or the mother, or which one or if both of them cheated to get their needs met. There was a point when they stopped relying on each other for sex and their marriage became one of mere appearances. So the appearance will be more valuable to him than the content, unless he is miraculously aware.
Second, if the men in his social group are mostly broken and wimpy, and strong men are considered somehow lesser or “primitive” in a bad way, he believes feminization makes him superior. A lot of his self confidence will be tied to how “progressive” and “open minded” he is, and the fact that you want sex will make you as dirty and wrong as it would if he were extremely religious.
He will view your expressing desire for intercourse as pressure because it is not a given, in his mind, that a man should want to have sex with his woman or vise versa. He has bought into the programming that says a man should not pressure a woman, and thinks this should work both ways. Many times, he is acting out as a revenge against women in his past who have sexually rejected him or refused to give any attention to his special needs. This is his misdirected turnabout, to deny you sex even though you have been giving and nurturing.
Another big red flag is a history of porn addiction. A sexually healthy man will use porn from time to time, but he does not expect the women in real life to look or behave like the women in porn, nor does he demand they think in whatever way some may imagine the women on the screen are thinking. He is aware that activities that do not involve her genitals are probably not going to give her orgasms. The addict is not aware, and this is how he gets more satisfaction from masturbation than from reality.
A realistic man, even if he utilizes porn fairly often, gets less satisfaction from porn and masturbation because his psychological gratification from sex runs in real-time. He enjoys the thrill of the moment and is in the moment, veering off into fantasy only inasmuch as it enhances the moment. If there is a problem, he adapts. It’s part of the fun.
The addict needs that sure thing: that high of success that always happens in the fantasy, but isn’t a guarantee in real life. They ultimately become so focused on their own ejaculation that they are unable to understand why pleasing the woman in real life is important, whether by bringing her to orgasm or providing enough penetration to open her bonding sensations.
The women in porn aren’t bonding with anyone, but in the addict’s fantasies they are. Every. Time.
The realist sees a hot prostitute getting pounded, and gets off on that well enough to do the job to keep a cool head when hunting real poon. The addict fools himself that the character the actress is playing is real. Reality comes with responsibilities that the addict simply can’t handle.
So if your man or potential has a broken family, a pussy social group, or history of over reliance on porn, you are probably at a high risk of being sexually neglected. You don’t want to ignore the signs when things start becoming one sided.
If this is your man…If you feel like non intercourse sexual activity is overshadowing you, then the time to handle that is sooner, not later. If you wait to discuss it, then it will be too late to do so without destroying the relationship entirely. Nip this in the bud.
It is not unreasonable to believe that someone who wants monogamy with you should take your sexual needs as seriously as their own. This works both ways, by the way. I assume that those reading this article don’t have a problem with the fact that sexually healthy men do sometimes need a pressure free orgasm, and may need sex at times when you’re not in the mood, so you should take care of them. However, just in case anyone takes this article to mean that men should only ever get off inside a vagina, I felt this explanation was timely.
Penis-in-vagina sex is not wrong, not old fashioned, not rape when consensual, and not at all boring for men who enjoy their masculinity. If the complaint is that he finds sexual intercourse boring, what he is really saying is that you are not interesting enough that he would feel an intense passion just from your touching him. He is not sexually interested in you. If he were, you wouldn’t need to bring the circus to get him off. You are with the wrong guy.
A man who loves you but doesn’t want to have sex with you needs to be your friend, not your live-in cock blocker. Someone who is not having sex with you and not interested in doing so, should not prevent you from finding someone who does want you. They don’t love you if they are putting you in a cage just to starve you.
So once you notice a pattern developing, say what you have to say about it. If he freaks out or shames your sexuality, dump him then and there.
If he is smart and really wants to keep you, he’ll be back to do his work, or then and there he will probably have sex with you then to calm you down. Then his probation can begin. The next day is day 1.
Give it a week without nagging about sex or demanding anything. Let him lead the dance. If it goes a week that he wants to do his thing without taking care of you, mention it again. Remember to be very calm and don’t accuse him of anything. Just remind him that you have genitals too, and you can’t be the only one in the relationship who cares about the other’s satisfaction.
If he freaks out or shames you again, that is strike 2. If he returns within a short time and does intercourse, take him back, but from then on, do not engage in any sexual activity at all with him until he is offering intercourse. He must please you first before he can ask you to do other activities. He has squandered the privilege of you being sexually giving towards him by being neglectful.
If this does not work, then you are being set up by a cuckold fetishist or someone who for some insane reason, doesn’t want to have an honestly open relationship, and wants you to cheat. If you’re not cool with that, then get out before it is too late.
Tags: celibate marriage, cheating, cuckold, cuckold fetish, driving women to cheat, emotional neglect, fear of intimacy, fear of self, fear of sex, fear of vagina, feminized men, fetish, husband doesn't want sex, husband obsessed with bdsm, husband obsessed with oral, infidelity, men who fear being rapists, neglect, new masculinity, new masculinity syndrome, nms, one sided relationships, one sided sex, paraphelia, selfishness, sex is rape, sexless marriage, sexual fetish, sexual frustration, sexual neglect, sexually selfish
This one is for the guys. I understand that some of my male readers are into female domination. There is nothing wrong with that, but understand that around these parts, we deal in the *is* not the *should* (according to the mainstream or the pseudofreakstream) of sexuality.
I am not quite sure whether or not nobody else in the world of the open minded is willing to say this because it is against the feminist agenda, or because it is so obvious to the truly kinky that we take it for granted that others should know this. Apparently though, it needs to be said. There are too many guys out there who think we women are all drooling for girly guys we can step on while every other aspect of the relationships remains “normal”. Life don’t work that way.
Though there is nothing morally wrong with pegging (a woman penetrating a man with a dildo or other phallic object), fisting, or F/m bondage and the like, the who matters just as much as the what. There are some things that once seen, cannot be unseen, and once done, cannot be undone. Even just allowing, much less pressuring or “encouraging” (read pressuring), a woman to dominate you will shift the balance of authority in your relationship. Unless you want this to happen, don’t open doors that can’t be closed with someone you want to remain committed to you.
Guys need to seriously think before asking a woman they intend to be close to, to dominate them. If you make your wife or girlfriend dominate you, then regardless of what is ideal, she will no longer view you as a man.
A straight or bi leaning straight woman not viewing you as the man means that you will lose authority over the aspects of her sexuality that require a man to regulate. She will cheat on you or at least think of cheating on you with men who are manly and at least temporarily want to dominate her instead of her dominating them.
Women are hypergamous. If a man is going to stay a man, in our perception, then he has to be more dominant than us. This doesn’t mean there is no room whatsoever, for play of any kind. What it means is that it should only go so far, and be so often. That varies from woman to woman, but certainly if she is on top/topping more than maybe 30% of the time, you are going to lose her or share her with a man who never needs to be the girl, sub, bottom whatever, at least not with her. In fact, a huge risk in allowing or getting your wife or girlfriend involved with BDSM and other flavors of kink is the scene, and the fact that there are many Dominant men in it.
Women are social creatures, and on the internet, they are free to explore whatever they like, and ask questions of whomever they like under a comfortable cloak of anonymity. It should worry you that once you kick open the kink door, she will seek people to help her cope with this, and some of those people are going to be Doms and female submissives who are very happy with their Doms. Female subs are the best recruiters of new harem members, and so your glee at having a live-in prostate stimulator or bondage supervisor can die when you find out that Master Mandingo or Lord Nordyfjord has been ramming every orifice of her body because you practically gave her to him.
Now, being realistic, I understand men are all kinds of freak. You have your kinks, quirks, whatever, and that’s cool. So here’s what you do if you have an alternative itch that needs scratching…
Outsource or compensate HEAVILY.
By “outsource”, I mean find another play partner your life isn’t tied to. Many people in the BDSM/kink scenes do play that doesn’t involve exchange of body fluids. You could even find someone in a similar situation to yourself, who has a relationship they don’t want to blur the lines of.
There are also professionals who will do whatever you like if you pay them enough. If it is really important to you to do these things, there are specialists who are not hookers with whips.
Do not make your wife or girlfriend do it unless she explicitly offered to. If she doesn’t bring that into your relationship, or specifically states that this is not where she wants things to go, then let that go. Don’t go there with her. You will regret it. Even if she does offer to go there, think about whether or not she is offering because she is trying to be interesting, or if this is something she really wants.
If she really does want this, think about why a woman would want to do sexual activities that distance you from her genitals. Some women will use kinky activities that preclude vaginal penetration in order to avoid having sex with their husband/boyfriend. There could be good or not so good reasons she is happy to avoid penetrative sex with you. Often, when women are cheating, they will avoid having sex with their husband during ovulation because they would prefer to become pregnant by their lover. Sometimes that will be floating in their subconscious even if they aren’t actually cheating. Avoidance of sex with you when she is most fertile (and most horny) means that it may at least be on her mind.
So if it’s really okay with her, then if you do go there, then be prepared to either shag her silly afterwards, on the same day or as soon as possible. Don’t let her spend too much time being sexually frustrated, and don’t let her come to think of the non intercourse kink as a replacement for sex. She should be very aware that she is not “off the hook” just because you had a cuff-and-tug.
If she’s not cool with dominating you, but you love her, and she loves you, and the basic sex is good and she is moving enough, then that is enough. If she freely gives you oral more than once a month, you are doing better than a whole lot of guys. If she gives you anal, then praise the Gods. If she will let you dominate her in even more ways, then really you are truly blessed. Be happy with that.
…but unless you *want* her to cheat on you with manlier men, and *want* one of those kinds of relationships where nobody cares who the real fathers of the babies are (some people are cool with that, no judgement) then if you want to be dominated or tied up, do yourself or find someone else to do that with.
If you make her, then you are killing your relationship.
Now, you can say that it won’t happen very often, so it’s no big deal, but again, I know men too well for that to fly. When you guys like something, you want to do it all the time every time. So what will happen (and this has happened in every case I’ve ever seen, and I would really love to know if there is someone out there with this experience, who hasn’t been “stuck”) is that you will be having lots of sex, and she will be getting no sex or only the kind of sex that convinces her that you are not really interested in her as much as you are the dildo or the bondage. She may go along so as to keep peace in her home, because she loves you, or because she feels she doesn’t deserve any better, but you will lose her as soon as a guy comes along who really wants her and doesn’t need or like the circus.
Feel free to argue with me on this. I’m sure I will get a few commenters who will claim that their husband is perfectly balanced, and only asks for bondage once a year or something…or that they peg their husband every night and she still sees her man as the man. Whatever. Just, if you haven’t gone there yet, and don’t want to have to backwards rationalize about it, I advise thinking before doing.
Tags: anal, ass play, bondage, boyfriend wants to try anal, dildo, domination, dominatrix, domme, female domination, femdom, husband wants to try anal, i no longer see my husband as a man, i regret pegging, loss of respect, lost respect for my husband, my boyfriend wants me to penetrate him, no longer the man, not the man, pegging, pegging regret, regret after pegging, regret pegging, relationship, sexual demands, strange sexual demands, strap on, too kinky
There has been a bit of hype of late about “swirling” (African American women dating and marrying outside their ethnicity). Some have made it a kind of a movement. I don’t think it should be a movement, just that people should date whoever does right by them. Other men aren’t more likely to do right by an African woman. They’re actually less likely because of ideas of worth based on color/ethnicity and a tendency throughout history of whoever’s considered the “upper class” to look down on and exoticise the “lower class”.
So if you’re open to dating out, don’t discriminate by color, but definitely discriminate by behavior. If you have to lower rather than adjust your expectations or demands, then you are not doing yourself any favors by dating out.
Tags: bias, cultural differences, culture, dangers, dating out, escapism, exotic, exoticise, exoticize, fantasy, intercultural, interracial, interracial relationships, racial bias, racism, stereotype, stereotyping, swirl, swirling
I’ve decided to make a post about what men really want. Well, maybe not just men in general, but the men who matter: the ones who actually want and/or are in a real relationship.
Since it’s best to let the men speak for themselves, this is basically a list of links. However, it would be irresponsible of me not to post a disclaimer, and that is whatever you read, the woman should be of the same or a socially convenient class. What that is depends on the guy and how socially dependent he is, regardless of his social class. An “omega” male with debilitating shyness who looks like an elf on amphetamines, may think he’s too good for a woman who doesn’t look like a model or a porn star, if he is overly socially dependent. So whatever he says he may want as far as personality starts with the default requirement for the woman to look like someone he would be seen with.
However, it’s good to know what men want so that if you do meet one for whom you are socially convenient, you don’t screw it up by making assumptions based on the advice of people who don’t really relate to men. Men are not so out of touch with their feelings and desires as many may think. What they say they like is usually what they like when the social component is removed or the minimum social requirements are met.
Another disclaimer, the authors of these posts or articles are not responsible for and do not claim any agreement with their commenters. The comments are just perspectives of other readers and should not be viewed as part of the article. Some writers like their comments section to be an area of relatively free expression, where people can discuss and debate ideas. So I don’t want anyone from here trolling or harassing people at any of these sites. Shaming language is frowned upon, so if you’re going to post, leave your feminism at the door, but definitely bring your humanity.
Now, onto the links:
The Rawness – The Perfect Woman: A How-to Guide
A pretty good breakdown of what a relationship minded man who actually gives a darn about the truth with regards to manhood in society today.
The Spearhead – What do men find attractive?
A call to open a dialogue on what men are looking for in a woman.
The Sydney Morning Herald – What Men Want In a Wife
In this article, a nightclub owner admits that when he was younger, it was very important that his girlfriend be very hot, and that all his friends want (to shag) her. He’s a good example of a supposed “alpha” male with a dark, socially dependent underbelly. He says he’s looking for different things now, but a leopard doesn’t change its spots. However, since it is hard to find women who are able to balance the social role of being a hottie and being a good trophy who won’t embarass the family or take half, he may have grown more realistic if not less socially dependent.
Tags: ideal partner, ideal woman, perfect woman, what men are looking for, what men find attractive, what men want