These days, those of us born after 1969, despite mostly having decent dads ourselves, have been programmed to panic when it comes to men. The news is filled with horror stories about murderous ex husbands, molesters, rapists, and other bad guys. To make things worse, the average guy has been stricken with such fear of his own capacity to violence that the protectiveness baby has been thrown out with the bathwater of overprotectiveness. If one believed the hype then then definition of jerk would be male.
There are plenty of good guys out there though. If there weren’t then humanity would have gone extinct. Though there are female police, soldiers, firefighters and others doing the heavy work and weilding the violence necessary to maintain order on this planet, these are largely the domain of men. Some man out there is the reason you don’t have to carry a gun to work unless you’re a cop or maybe convenience store cashier.
So here’s a list of features of a guy who is part of the solution. You only need open your eyes.
How to Tell a Guy is NOT a Jerk
1. He is well mannered and yet honest, regardless of how he’s dressed.
He could be covered in hot garbage, and will still thank the person who hands him a towel. He’ll then listen for a your welcome to make sure the person he thanked heard his thanks. He treats people with respect unless they earn his disrespect, and even in the throes of a bar fight, he doesn’t want to seriously maim anyone if he doesn’t have to. He can fight dirty in self defense, but only if it’s self defense.
On the other hand, he is very well practiced in telling women no. He’s heard his dad and maybe grandad do it many times, and knows how to say it effectively.
2. Related to #1, he is respectful of and kind to old people, children, and other physically weak or disadvantaged.
Basically, he’s a protecter and defender of the weak. He does not push people around just because he can. He doesn’t pick on people for being what he views as ugly either. What he says about the fat girl across the street is what he will think of you when you gain your menopause pounds. A guy who can see the worth of an old woman, the beauty in a swollen handed pregnant lady, and the beautiful smile of the chubby lady behind the deli counter is a guy worth keeping.
3. Generally, he dresses neatly and is well groomed.
Some good guys are not so great about taking care of themselves because they may be used to having someone else do that for them. However, a good guy usually likes looking and smelling good. He may have some edge, but those edges aren’t rough. They’re crisp.
The only color of shoes for good guys is black. White athletic shoes can be worn to and from the gym or specific hip hop events. Brown shoes are hiking boots or so dark they’re almost black.
Good guys’ shirts cover their armpits and do not expose any of their stomach or back, even when bending over.
Good guys’ jeans are the same shade of blue or black all over unless they are real cowboys.
By the way, good guys who carry big things do not wear jeans. It makes them look like they have a parasitic twin.
Good guys’ pants go all the way up to their waist. No overhang of gut or invitation of butt.
Good guys do not have spikey hair, highlights, gold teeth, or wear sunglasses at night. They also don’t wear a lot of bling because they’re not trying to catch a hoe. Some may bling up their woman though, as a kind of territorial gesture.
4. Good guys have excellent credit (because they’re honest).
They’re dependable and hard working, so even if they don’t have a high status job, credit companies love them. Even if because they are Muslim or otherwise anti “Bablon”, they refuse to have credit cards, they will be getting offered them, and may have a couple of debit cards.
A good guy lives within or below his means except in three debt causing cases: student loan, car, and house payments. If he does get into trouble in tough economic times, his credit with friends and family will tide him over when the bank won’t. They know he’s either good for the money or he is worth the investment.
Given a choice though, a good guy would rather owe the bank. He doesn’t like owing people money, and tries to avoid it. Some even won’t take loans that require a co signer because they don’t want someone else to end up in a bind if they die or something else bad happens to them.
5. Good guys are kind of suckers for love, but mind your manners young lady.
A good man will climb any mountain, and die for you if needed, even if he doesn’t love you for life. He’ll do it because you’re a human being who needs him. So if you push him too far, he will kick you to the curb because you mistook his kindness for having him wrapped around your finger. If you’re a nurturing giver too, you’re fine though. You can give your lives to and for each other.
6. He goes to church (or temple or mosque or shrine or study group…).
There are exceptions, but most good men are at least somewhat religious. They enjoy having a community around them because they’re community building kind of people. Very independent thinkers who aren’t totally misanthropic can just be honorable without a spiritual community, but those are so few and far between, you may go your entire life without ever meeting one, much less one who’s available, within your age range, heterosexual, and compatible.
So it’s best not to bank on the exceptions. A marriage/commitment minded guy has a God or at least an Anthropos figure (like Buddha) who embodies or is Love itself. This is the scale by which he measures his own quality, so he shouldn’t have too much trouble with your Dad’s and other male relatives’ standards.
7. A good man has duties and a mission.
He is doing something in life for someone other than himself. Even if he is between jobs or isn’t technically working because he’s studying, he has a purpose in life, and is doing something about it. He is no slacker. He understands his role as a man, and exercises that role regardless of whether or not or how much he’s being paid for it at the time.
This mission will be there whether you stay or you go. So respect it.
8. A good man has good parents.
If the guy’s dad’s a cad, or his mom’s the dishonest sort of hoe there’s a good chance he will be too. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in this. Sidestory: as vengeance, I once successfully “eye-shagged” an ex boyfriend’s dad with him watching from another part of the pub because I knew it would teach him the correct lesson; that cads are as interchangeable as sluts.
Many men cheat, but some of them learn from the experience. Some men actually leave good wives thinking they can do better though, only to find that hoes don’t make good housewives. They don’t even make good girlfriends to guys who aren’t very rich. So if a guy grew up with his dad disrespecting and under appreciating his mom, or worse if his mom is the hoe the guy married and then had a crappy life with, be careful.
If, on the other hand, the guy’s dad is faithful and there’s no divorce in sight, or they were together until death did them part, your potential has potential. He knows what it takes to last, from first hand experience. It’s no guarantee, but you can be sure his intentions are probably good.
9. A good man wants you involved in his life.
He isn’t hiding you or hiding things from you. He doesn’t really have anything to hide.
10. Kids RESPECT a good man.
This isn’t quite the same as fear, but it’s closely related. Kids are well behaved and cordial around this man. They and younger men may call him Sir, and treat him like an authority figure, for better or worse. He is the spoiler of fun, but he is the guy lost kids will go to when they can’t find someone in a uniform to help them. People trust him because he oozes trustworthiness and strength.
His legs are alternatives for trees, even if he’s kinda short, for little kids playing tag nearby. He smiles at babies and their parents. They smile back. He’s actually seen Shrek and wonders whether the donkey marrying the dragon was an inappropriate reference. If he voted for Obama, it was because Palin’s smarmy cheerleader speeches reminded him of “popular” girls he hated in high school, but were trying to get into his pants anyway because of his boyscout rebel paradox game.
In his own childhood, he was not in a hurry to lose his innocence, but had a crush on an older girl the “popular” guys shunned for being too self assured.
He tells young girls and boys to mind their manners and respect their elders within reason. He however, kicked the guy who got grabby with his younger sister’s butt, or got his butt kicked trying. Kids view him as a protector and role model.
I hope this list is useful in helping women to spot the good guys. Again, things don’t always go perfectly these days, and some bad guys mimic good guys. Still, I think this is a pretty good rundown.
With this or the prior post, if you have anything to add to the list, feel free. Blessings in your quest, from the G4G team!
Continue reading Paternal Signs: How to Tell a Guy is NOT a Jerk