Why NOT to Have Pre Commitment Sex

Hands Folded In Lap Avoiding the promiscuity hypocrisy trap, or what “vanilla” feminine people can learn from Femdoms.

This post might get a little explicit, but it’s for a good cause. It’s about why some women shouldn’t have sex outside of a committed relationship, even if that relationship is non exclusive. This isn’t moralizing or judgmental. This isn’t playing games to get a guy to commit.  It’s in the spirit of harm reduction. For those of you out there who may have higher testosterone or be more aggressive for other reasons, I’ll also cover in a later article, how to get your needs met without ending up humiliated by an uppity “beta”.

Another disclaimer before we get started is that I may be a bit biased because my orientation is demisexual. I am not sexually attracted to people I have no emotional attachment to and/or have no attachment to me. I can recognize aesthetic beauty, but nothing is happening below the waist until there is trust. Trust turns me on. So I may possibly underestimate what others who have different turn ons are feeling. Forgive me if that happens, and read this article keeping in mind that it might.

On a similar pursuit of pleasure, I began to explore the world of legal weed. It didn’t take much searching as I already studied herbalism. I just did a little reading from those more experienced, so I wouldn’t destroy my brain, got some herbs, and lit up and made extracts. My experiences were so great I thought to myself, “Why does anyone smoke marijuana or sniff coke if they don’t specifically need the THC?”

The answer, of course, is that this is all they know. They do it because it’s popular, and they don’t know what else to do. Another reason is that when they go to get high, they often want to be completely obliterated. It’s a kind of greediness and laziness at the same time.

I’d like you, the reader, to consider that pre commitment sex is also being done a lot more often than it should be, because people don’t know what else to do, want it all right now, and don’t want to have to work particularly hard for it.

On the one hand, it’s a bad idea to chase a man who doesn’t really want you, longing for someone simply because they are hard to get. On the other, taking something just because it is easy to get is also not a good idea.

There are women out there who are perfectly okay with casual sex. If this is you, I’m not writing this for you. You know what you want, and know how to get it, and I’m happy for you. You are the women who guys should be going to when they just want a fling, instead of screwing with the minds of women who aren’t into the casual thing. So all I have to say to you in this article is, “Go forth!” You might want to stick around though, as this article may increase your repertoire.

To the rest of you, I say again, that you do not owe your vagina to anyone as a sacrifice. Giving a guy sex will not make him like you more, just like a guy giving you money just because you ask him for it, will not make you like him more. If you walk up to a guy you don’t even know, and ask him for $500 and he just reaches in his pocket and gives it to you, you will think he’s an idiot or a sucker, or trying to get something from you. This is how men regard casual sex.

The reason this is so is because this is not a perfect world, and the vast majority of men on this planet view sex in terms of men as predators and women as prey. Though it is trendy for men to say that they don’t believe this, and any PUA worth his salt will pretend to be devoid of madonna/whore complex, the truth is that except for the rare progressive Alpha type or honest submissive of whatever type, men see shagging as a violation or use of a woman. This is why if a woman has had more than a few sex partners in her lifetime, she is viewed as, “used up”. To them, the vagina is a resource, and the penis an exploiter. The penis is the drill that chips parts off the vagina quarry. The ego boost that he gets from being validated through sexual intercourse is a product that he has stripped or at least scraped off of the woman, and he takes it away with him. It doesn’t occur to him that it is a renewable resource, and that he has given her exactly what she has given him, just with more risk on her side.  It’s the risk and the lower sex drive that makes the resource relatively more scarce, not that it is somehow reduced by anything other than the woman’s own time and care.

If they understood the mechanics of sex and bonding, they would at least understand that the penis is a suction nozzle. Unless a condom is used, he takes some of her inside himself as well.

One of the things that facilitates this myth of women getting “used up” from having more than say, two or three sex partners in her entire life, is the widely circulated disinformation spam that a woman’s ability to produce the bonding hormone oxytocin, decreases with the number of partners. This is quite bluntly, hogwash that some guys who are neither scientists nor psychologists pulled out of their arses in the 1990’s. There are at least three hormones that come into play in pair bonding, and it is unknown whether they are causative or reactive in pair bonding. They are certainly not causative of lifelong monogamy.

What most likely happens is that similar to men, in sex that is known or suspected to be casual, she does not bond with those partners in the same way she would in a committed relationship. That is a reaction to a particular partner being a casual one, or the suspicion that it is unlikely that the partner will become serious. So barring a very heavy schedule, a woman is in no danger of being psychologically damaged by having many consensual partners. If she can bond with her pets and her kids, she can bond with a man if she chooses. The question is of course, whether she chooses. The problem is that with an increase in numbers is also an increase in the likelihood of encountering partners who have an inordinate amount of shame and predatory ideology connected to sex. If you slept with 20 guys between the ages of 17 and 40, it is rare unless you’re in the swinging/freak community that one or two of them wouldn’t be the type who feels he has to humiliate his partners.

Being with predatory guys who sincerely think they are using you by having sex with you, and need to mistreat and try to harm you emotionally, is damaging. The more guys like that you encounter, the less fresh and optimistic you will feel when you meet the next potential partner.

Some would call that a distinction without a difference, but I’d call them an ideologue without a clue. It’s not a good idea to claim that something based on superstition is based on science.

However, mechanics of sex aside, the fact is that this particular superstition is very popular thanks to right wing spammers. It’s one of those situations where the social science is more important in practice than the biology. So it’s a good idea to work your game accordingly in order to avoid some of the nastiness that is out there.

In light of the prevalence of toxic social dependency in most societies, many women have opted for total celibacy. I respect that. There is a middle ground though, and that is non intercourse/non penetrative sex. I don’t mean oral sex. I mean good “old fashioned” making out and alternative activities.

This is where the Femdom shines, and where vanilla women all too often fade. The Dominant Woman is an expert in self and partner pleasure that does not involve her own humiliation in any way, though it may require temporary subordination/submission from the male.

The wisdom behind this is that it is better to be wanted than to be had. Though you don’t necessarily have to get into full blown BDSM, you can begin from the premise that his penis is not getting into your vagina or your mouth unless or until he is really your boyfriend. Activities up to the point or casual sexual encounters should be sincerely fun and non compromising.

This means specifically that you can give each other hand jobs and do foreplay type touching, but absolutely no penetration whatsoever. Make that clear long before you get started, because most guys don’t like to be sexually manipulated. If you don’t trust that he will respect your boundaries, you shouldn’t be alone with him anyway. If he does then you can look forward to a nice night of real fun on equal footing.

Some guys say they can’t orgasm from manual stimulation or over-the-clothes grinding. These guys are sexually dysfunctional, and this is not your fault and you are not obligated to give them intercourse out of pity for their condition. If that is the problem, try more hand cream, let him take things into his own hands, while you cheer him on, or just wrap things up in a kind manner.

This is actually a normal experience in most conservative cultures. Saving it for marriage or commitment doesn’t and never has meant that people didn’t do any kind of sexual activity at all. Yeah, I know the pro casual crowd is saying that it is hypocrisy. Good morning! Most guys in the world are total hypocrites when it comes to sex. If a woman is going to save herself for the rare guys who aren’t hypocrites, then that is her choice, but it is so rare that it would mean she stands a good chance of staying a virgin forever.

From personal experience, I have felt much better about sexuality with men with whom I did not compromise or sacrifice. People tell me that despite my age, and even while I’m discussing sexuality very frankly, I look and act rather innocent. Well, this is why. It’s because I am innocent. The times I’ve made the mistake of getting involved with a guy who was predatory have been few and only when I was new to the dating scene of a culture I had no idea of, and going against my demisexual orientation, which is a whole other article. Once I got the hang of things though, that stopped cold, and even those had a difficult time getting close to me at all. They had to lie and hide very well, to and from themselves moreso than me.

Delaying intercourse may not totally protect you all the time, but it will protect you most of the time. The guys who need that conquest will usually lose interest, and it will give you time to release sexual tension and explore each other while you see what each other are about. It may not be a problem of his being predatory, but of the two of you just not fitting with each other. Don’t risk your life and health for something that is so not worth it until you’re with someone you know you can trust, and who’s going to be there for your whole self, not just your hole.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.


  1. wow this is deep and i agree with it 100 percent
    im in the same situation right now and not only is it humiliating but also emotionally destructive.

  2. Great blog. As a Femdom woman Im just the opposite and find men to be my prey. Its funny how many men are intimidated by a beautiful Dominant woman. they dont want to admit the want to submit. But if you dig a little youll find that many want to bow down….

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