New Masculinity Syndrome Symptom: Men Using Kink to Avoid Intercourse

Black leather and handcuffsOne of the most frequently complained about symptoms of new masculinity syndrome is the avoidance of intercourse by men.  It doesn’t seem so because most of the time, the woman is unaware that the man is avoiding penetrative sex.  The complaints are usually centered around the man becoming obsessed with some way of ejaculating that does not involve penis-in-vagina sex.

Usually, the woman is left unsatisfied by whatever activity the man has chosen to focus on.  The man assumes because the women in porn seem to be having so much fun that the woman he is with is also going to get off on the activity.  If she does not, then he believes that she is somehow wrong, repressed, or purposefully resisting enjoying the activity.  Sometimes, if the man is particularly giving, he will compensate the woman, but with some activity such as manual or oral sex, but this is true only of men who have at least a good understanding of and comfort with their submissive side.  Most of the time, the men are too selfish to even consider even the woman’s physical need for clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation if not penetration.

The Difference Between Asexual and Sex Avoidant

There are some people who just don’t like sex or don’t like intercourse, or aren’t wired to be desirous of sex in contexts or situations that most other people would. Before accusing your partner of bait and switch, take a step back and think about whether or not the real issue is that they are on the asexual spectrum. Even if they are demisexual, meaning they need a deep emotional bond of some sort to be attracted, there might be a problem that they don’t feel as connected to you as they did in the past. The solution would be to fix the connection.

Though someone asexual could possibly be manipulative, the asexuality is not the problem there.  Someone discovering later in life that they are asexual and asking you to accommodate them is not the same as being sex avoidant as a manipulation. It’s a manipulation when someone pressures you into unsatisfying and uncomfortable activities, or uses sex or the denial of it as a power play.

Sex but Not Sex-sex

Since they are having some sort of sex, it isn’t that the man has erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety.  These men usually feel quite free, and in fact liberated in a way.  They have found something that gives them everything intercourse does.  The problem is that these activities give the woman nothing that intercourse does.

Without going into unnecessary analysis (since others explaining the avoidant have already done this) in this article, the reason these men are as they are is because of a fear of manhood and the aggression that is part of being a man.  They have been programmed to believe that even normal or good fathers who did their part in life, and required their women to do the woman’s part, were monsters and that what was monstrous about them was demanding sex.  So to be good men, they believe that they should not demand sex, but there’s a twist.

Because they are men who physically and hormonally and emotionally will demand sex, they redirect this to activities that are sex but not sex-sex.  They will focus on getting their sexual needs met with oral sex or kink that does not involve intercourse.  One of the most popular is Femdom type activity that seems as if it should be satisfying to the woman, but very few women are satisfied by this even in ideal conditions.  Most of the time, the conditions are not ideal, and what actually goes on is that the woman does things to the man, and the man does nothing, and they are not even in a position favorable to woman-on-top intercourse.

So the women end up sexually frustrated.

Sexually frustrated women with options cheat.


…but this is where it gets interesting.  Often, much like a woman will stay in a relationship with a man who isn’t good for her because of money, status, or for the sake of the kids, a man will stay in a relationship with a woman he does not want to have actual sex with because she gives him the benefits of being in a stable relationship, and sexually does the other things he prefers.  He knows that he doesn’t have many options because the choice is frigid women who will give him nothing, or mercenary women who will do what he wants so long as he’s paying her.

What he secretly hopes will happen is that the frustrated woman will stop demanding sexual intercourse with him, and have sex with someone else, but keep him as the boyfriend or husband.  In fact, there is a whole cuckold fetish around that, where husbands watch their wife have sex with another man while the husband masturbates.

More often though, how it works is that the husband will want the wife or girlfriend to cheat, but not want to know about it.  He wants the dignity of being in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but does not want to take on the responsibility of maintaining his exclusivity by pleasing his wife.  Her cheating puts her at a moral disadvantage because neglect is not considered as much a sin as actively shagging another person.  So the sexually neglected wife lives in a constant state of guilt, and is not allowed to complain about her husband not satisfying her.  Some couples go for years like this.

Warnings and Red Flags

The vast majority of modern men have some degree of NMS.  For most, it is not totally debilitating, but for many, it impairs normal functioning as men in many ways including sexually.  So there is no way to say, for certain, that a man will or won’t basically check out.  For certain, most will if the women in their lives allow them to, especially if they do not have the social encouragement from, and perhaps deterrent to neglect by the existence of, significant numbers of masculine males.

If a man knows that he can’t get away with feminizing, he simply won’t because he is male and it is natural for him to behave as such.  So he may try to go there, but if nobody around him is going to stand for it, this will pass because it will take too much effort for him to be so unnatural.  His own nature can’t support and sustain it, and nobody around him is going to indulge the illusion that it can.

If there are many masculine men around, then he knows that what he won’t do for his woman, someone else will.  Especially if she is pretty, feminine, nurturing, and sexual.  The woman he takes for granted would quickly find another who would dry her tears and calm her frustrations.

If however, the society encourages male feminization as an ideal to aspire to, and most men around buy into this, he has some illusion of choice in this matter.  There can grow all sorts of stupidity that will make you the villain for not being “open minded” enough.

So the first warning sign for a possibly sexually neglectful man is a sexually broken family or social group.  If his parents had a sexless marriage while he was growing up, he will probably see this as okay.  It doesn’t matter whether it was because of the father or the mother, or which one or if both of them cheated to get their needs met.  There was a point when they stopped relying on each other for sex and their marriage became one of mere appearances.  So the appearance will be more valuable to him than the content, unless he is miraculously aware.

Second, if the men in his social group are mostly broken and wimpy, and strong men are considered somehow lesser or “primitive” in a bad way, he believes feminization makes him superior.  A lot of his self confidence will be tied to how “progressive” and “open minded” he is, and the fact that you want sex will make you as dirty and wrong as it would if he were extremely religious.

He will view your expressing desire for intercourse as pressure because it is not a given, in his mind, that a man should want to have sex with his woman or vise versa.  He has bought into the programming that says a man should not pressure a woman, and thinks this should work both ways.  Many times, he is acting out as a revenge against women in his past who have sexually rejected him or refused to give any attention to his special needs.  This is his misdirected turnabout, to deny you sex even though you have been giving and nurturing.

Another big red flag is a history of porn addiction.  A sexually healthy man will use porn from time to time, but he does not expect the women in real life to look or behave like the women in porn, nor does he demand they think in whatever way some may imagine the women on the screen are thinking.  He is aware that activities that do not involve her genitals are probably not going to give her orgasms.  The addict is not aware, and this is how he gets more satisfaction from masturbation than from reality.

A realistic man, even if he utilizes porn fairly often, gets less satisfaction from porn and masturbation because his psychological gratification from sex runs in real-time.  He enjoys the thrill of the moment and is in the moment, veering off into fantasy only inasmuch as it enhances the moment.  If there is a problem, he adapts.  It’s part of the fun.

The addict needs that sure thing: that high of success that always happens in the fantasy, but isn’t a guarantee in real life.  They ultimately become so focused on their own ejaculation that they are unable to understand why pleasing the woman in real life is important, whether by bringing her to orgasm or providing enough penetration to open her bonding sensations.

The women in porn aren’t bonding with anyone, but in the addict’s fantasies they are.  Every.  Time.

The realist sees a hot prostitute getting pounded, and gets off on that well enough to do the job to keep a cool head when hunting real poon.  The aficionado might even get curious enough to follow his favorite porn stars on social media, get to know them as whole human beings.  When that happens, they eventually realize the actors see themselves somewhat the same way dancers do at weddings: as entertainers stimulating people to have more great sex.  The addict fools himself that the character the actress is playing is real.  Reality comes with responsibilities that the addict simply can’t handle.

So if your man or potential has a broken family, a pussy social group, or history of over reliance on porn, you are probably at a high risk of being sexually neglected.  You don’t want to ignore the signs when things start becoming one sided.

If Your Man Fears the Vagina…

If this is your man…If you feel like non intercourse sexual activity is overshadowing you, then the time to handle that is sooner, not later.  If you wait to discuss it, then it will be too late to do so without destroying the relationship entirely.  Nip this in the bud.

It is not unreasonable to believe that someone who wants monogamy with you should take your sexual needs as seriously as their own.  This works both ways, by the way.  I assume that those reading this article don’t have a problem with the fact that sexually healthy men do sometimes need a pressure free orgasm, and may need sex at times when you’re not in the mood, so you should take care of them.  However, just in case anyone takes this article to mean that men should only ever get off inside a vagina, I felt this explanation was timely.

Penis-in-vagina sex is not wrong, not old fashioned, not rape when consensual, and not at all boring for men who enjoy their masculinity.  If the complaint is that he finds sexual intercourse boring, what he is really saying is that you are not interesting enough that he would feel an intense passion just from your touching him.  He is not sexually interested in you.  If he were, you wouldn’t need to bring the circus to get him off.  You are with the wrong guy.

A man who loves you but doesn’t want to have sex with you needs to be your friend, not your live-in cock blocker.  Someone who is not having sex with you and not interested in doing so, should not prevent you from finding someone who does want you.  They don’t love you if they are putting you in a cage just to starve you.

So once you notice a pattern developing, say what you have to say about it.  If he freaks out or shames your sexuality, dump him then and there.

If he is smart and really wants to keep you, he’ll be back to do his work, or then and there he will probably have sex with you then to calm you down.  Then his probation can begin.  The next day is day 1.

Give it a week without nagging about sex or demanding anything.  Let him lead the dance.  If it goes a week that he wants to do his thing without taking care of you, mention it again.  Remember to be very calm and don’t accuse him of anything.  Just remind him that you have genitals too, and you can’t be the only one in the relationship who cares about the other’s satisfaction.

If he freaks out or shames you again, that is strike 2.   If he returns within a short time and does intercourse, take him back, but from then on, do not engage in any sexual activity at all with him until he is offering intercourse.  He must please you first before he can ask you to do other activities.  He has squandered the privilege of you being sexually giving towards him by being neglectful.

If this does not work, then you are being set up by a cuckold fetishist or someone who for some insane reason, doesn’t want to have an honestly open relationship, and wants you to cheat.   If you’re not cool with that, then get out before it is too late.

About Mamasan

I'm a multifaith spiritual counselor with lots of experience assisting people with improving their relationships. Feel free to comment on the site or contact me if you have an issue you'd rather discuss privately.

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  1. Pingback: New Masculinity Syndrome - Game for Girls

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